FAT, FAT, FAT, FAT ….

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anorexia-1-20qo8guDo you want to know what goes on in my head some days!

“FAT, FAT, FAT, FAT you are so fat! Everyone can see how fat you are!  Workout all the time and you can’t even get that right! You’re a failure! A fraud! You claim to be recovered but look at you! You’re a loser, you have nothing to show!  You give nothing to this world! You are a huge waste of space! ”

Every piece of my clothing feels tight, every piece of fabric is clinging to every fatty portion on my body! I can’t escape it, I feel it with every move, I see it in every reflection.  If I could take the vacuum and use it as my own portable liposuction machine I would.  I would take the kitchen knife and cut the fat right off!  Insane right?   I frantically stretch out my clothes with my hands because I can’t stand them touching me.  Taunting me with every move!

I wish I could just unzip and step out of my body, just detach my head from my torso.  Every bone, every muscle, every cell is just screaming LET ME OUT!  It doesn’t feel like my body!  I’m a foreigner in my own skin, trapped!  I don’t want anyone to see me, I am hideous!  I feel like everyone is staring, seeing my shame like my protruding muffin top!

I’m disgusted in myself.  I wish there was an off button, some way to shut off the chatter in my head,  poison contaminating my brain, spreading over my body!

You can tell me it’s all in my head, that I am not fat, that I am beautiful! You can tell me that I am selfish and insular! That many people have it worse than I do, that I should step outside of myself and do something bigger, be something bigger!   And you would be right!  Don’t think I haven’t said it to myself, over and over again!   But this is a mental DISORDER a DISEASE!  Unfortunately it does not respond to normal ways of thinking!

Too many of you won’t understand, you can’t understand, the intensity of these feelings!  I could claw my skin off! It makes no sense, but it’s real to me and to many others that suffer.

I am recovered, but I still have days like this!

I am lucky that now these days are few and far between, that now I am more grounded, more in tune with myself and my body.  I am lucky to have more tools and people to lean on to help me through these dark times!   I am lucky to realise that nothing lasts forever, which includes these feelings, this day, this moment, and that tomorrow is a new day!  I am lucky that I have learned to love myself more, to be kind and gentle to myself.

Never give up – recovery is the ONLY OPTION!

That is where I’ll always love you, that is where I’ll be waiting!

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Grief: Deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone’s death.  

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The pain of losing someone is indescribable, undefinable, the most agonizing feeling of loss that can’t be put into words.  You can’t know what someone else is going through, even if you have experienced grief and death! Why? because no one shares the same suffering.  No one can feel the pain in someone’s heart!  No two peoples experience is ever the same!

I lost my Grandad Feb 16th, 2013 after a short battle with Cancer.  I’m still not over it, I’m still angry, I’m still grieving!   I won’t ever stop grieving.   Sure they say it gets better, just give it time!  But I miss him incredible and nothing , not time, not people, not love can fill the void he has left!

It’s beyond devastating to watch your loved one suffer!  To be helpless to such a unforgiving disease, to death!  To watch life slip away in front on you! To see them, a shell of what they were and not be able to do anything.  When you can’t even comfort them or soothe their pain!  You know they are dying, they know they are dying, the unspoken word!  No one wants to say it, because no one wants to believe it!  You want their suffering to end, but you’re not ready for them to go, you want them to stay forever!

And you wait, watching, dreading  for those final moments! & through the ugliness, through the pain you cherish every hour, every minute every second he cheats from death!  Because you know when it comes, his last breath, the finality, you can’t go back!  As bleak the situation, as hopeless the outcome, where there is life there is hope!

As your holding his hand and you see his last breath, and you watch his last tear.  You know his body has failed him, his vessel, his shell, but his soul, his essence, his spirit …  where does it  go?

You hold his hand, still warm, but you know he is no longer there!  Your tears are uncontrollable!  This was inevitable, but  it doesn’t make it any easier? And you know he is no longer suffering, he’s in a better place and he’s lived a long life! But you’re not ready to let him go! You still have so much you wanted to share with him!

He’ll never see me get married, or be a great grandfather to my children, he’ll never see me successful, or happy with someone who loves me.  My future boyfriend or husband will never get to meet him!  There are so many events in my life I wanted to share with him!

I miss his smile, his laugh, the stories, the birthday cards.  I miss how he always use to say “tah love!”.   I miss him waving goodbye from the front of his place with Sylvia by his side!  I just miss HIM!

I can’t believe that these beautiful souls of people I love, full of energy, happiness, struggle, just vanish!  I hold close to my heart that my loved ones who have left this world are waiting somewhere in some capacity for me when my time comes!

I hope wherever my Grandad is, he is laughing, in peace out of pain, watching over us and proud!

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Fat may not be a feeling but it damn well feels like it!

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My coach gets to hear this on a regular basis “I feel fat!” This has and is a regular in my vocab! I’m sure many of you can relate!

If fat is not a feeling then what the heck is it?

I think it’s different for everyone!  For me, when I feel out of control in areas of my life I feel fat!  And what adds insult to injury is when I eat something not considered ‘safe’ food or healthy food and God forbid I miss a day at the gym!

Out of control can look like many things for me!  It could be that something is wrong in my relationships be that with men, parents, family ,friends, coworkers.  I could feel out of control about work, money, or things are piling up!  When I feel I am letting people down, myself down, when I am not living up to what society expects of me, what I expect of me, what my family and friends expect of me!  All of a sudden that fat feeling creeps in!

Even though I am recovered and can identify what is going on, I still can’t stop that part of my brain that goes into panic mode!

All of a sudden I want to cut my calories, increase my cardio, eat nothing but vegetables and tofu (trust me I know how

stupid that sounds)!  Wear baggy clothes to hide my out of control fat that everyone can see!  I am exaggerating, but at the time it feels real!

Not only do I feel fat, I have convinced myself I am FAT! Which then creates feelings of being inadequate and a complete failure!

And I ask myself why do I equate control of food, diet, exercise, weight with stability?

Why do I think when I have that all under control all will be right in my world!  Because I have been down that road!!   I have made that goal weight of 120lbs, 110lbs, 100lbs, 90lbs and guess what nothing was right in my world, in fact everything was wrong and despite my delusional efforts everything was out of control.

Maybe being in control, being 100% focused on diet, exercise etc allows me to not have deal with reality and the outside world?

It doesn’t matter what kind of chaos is going on in my life, that spat with a friend, that guy not liking me, that phone argument I got in with my parents, that fact that I am no where near where I should be in life.  I am too busy!

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Focusing on diet and exercise, to allow those feelings to penetrate my bubble!  I’m too occupied, micro managing everything that goes in my mouth and every minute spent at the gym!  I don’t have time for feelings,  or to get hurt, or experience happiness or joy!

So is that my coping mechanism?

Do I avoid the uncomfortable realities of life, do I guard my head and heart by making it about my body, diet, exercise? Instead of just embracing them!

Maybe it’s time to stop using food and exercise as security blanket, a coping mechanism! Maybe it’s time to step up to the plate, get hurt, step up to confrontation!  Maybe it’s time to experience joy, happiness the highs and the lows!

Maybe it’s time to stop “feeling fat” and really dig down to undercover what I am really feeling and what I am trying to run away from!

I’m stronger, now what, so I say, But something’s missing

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Lost, un-passionate… wandering without purpose.   That is how I feel lately!  Feeling un-accomplished, as if I don’t add worth to anything I touch, lacking substance.  Ending each day feeling inadequate.

What is my purpose here?  What is the imprint I will leave on this world?  Small however it may be, what is it?

I have a vision, a picture a concept of what I want to leave the world.  I want to be an advocate for eating disorders, I want to symbolize healthy recovery, embody nourishment not only physically but mentally, emotionally, spiritually and I want to share that with the world.  I want to help, I want to change lives.. how do I do this?

It all seems so overwhelming!  Everywhere I look people seem to have their lives together whether it be career or marriage, happiness!  Yet I feel as though I am fumbling in the darkness! Grasping for hands to hold, clutching the fleeting moments I have clarity, seizing what momentary happiness I have!  Holding onto the memory of those brief feelings of complete euphoria!

Not only do I fight society to prove my worthiness, I have to prove to my peers and most importantly and the more difficult of the two I have to substantiate my worthiness to myself.

Isn’t it enough, aren’t I enough! Why is it that to substantiate my existence, to be worthy in the eyes of society, to be taken seriously as a human being I need to be a fearless woman with a career, making 6 figures.  I need to be a mother with a husband and a white picket fence.   I need to be courageous, self made, needing no one, I need to have it all!

I just want to have purpose when I wake up in the morning and a sense of accomplishment when I lay down my head at night!  I don’t want to have to worry that I am on the right path instead I want to know I am on the right path!!  I want to be fulfilled in life, I want to make a difference I want to help people, make my small mark on the world!

But right now I’m not sure how that looks, I’m lost!  I’m floating aimlessly like a bubble waiting to be popped so I can land on my feet running with purpose, with direction, fulfilled!

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30 is the new 20 they say!

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If 20’s are for foraging your way in life, making mistakes, fumbling through the darkness, swimming without a life jacket,  learning lesson as you go!

Does that mean then in your 30’s you should have it all figured out?

If that is the case then I have failed the point of 20’s and would like a redo!

Does there ever come a time when we have it all figure out? Life, relationships, love, family, career, inner happiness and peace.  Is there ever going to be a time in life when we are overwhelmed with happiness, completely satisfied with love, living and loving our passions, fit, healthy.  All our relationships; friends, family, co workers in perfect harmony.

I would say no… and isn’t that the point of life!  That we have to struggle to succeed, battle before we are born, rain before the rainbow, darkness before the light!

There is never going to be that ‘perfect’ time!  The RIGHT time! When your completely fulfilled!  Because as humans we aren’t perfect nor would we want to!  And there is and always will be room to improve!  Room to be more then you ever thought possible,  room to be happier, more satisfied, more complete!

I battle my inadequacies everyday! Whether it be loving myself, inner happiness, finding fulfillment  in work, my relationships, in life, in myself!  How can one really divide their time between all aspects of life?  How does one find that magic equation that makes them work together harmoniously.   It’s difficult to put 100% into every aspect of your world.  When one area of your life is going great another is suffering!

So what now… do we give up!  The bubble is burst! We all go home!

NO! We keep battling to find that magical equation!  The equation where everything we ever wanted orbit our soul in unison!   The equation where we are blissfully happy, living our passions, friendships & relationships adding even greater happiness.  The equation where we love ourselves, our bodies, our minds, where we live peacefully within our own mental chatter!  The equation where we find someone who compliments our equation.

It won’t matter if its tomorrow, next year, when we are 40 or 80.  Life has no time restraints!  It’s what we make it… and I plan on making it effing amazing!

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I won’t quit till I am Triumphant!

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Anorexia is complicated disease.  I say I am recovered and for the most part I am.  But mentally part of my brain is still infected, I question if it will ever be cured.  I relentlessly battle that tainted part of my soul.  I will never quit, defeat is not an option.  I refuse to allow anorexia to control me every again.

The past month that menacing inner voice I wrestle with seems to be victorious.  Why am I allowing this polluted, corrupt, hideous voice to have control over MY thoughts?

Life, love, happiness is so much more than my physical body.  My weight, my size does not define me.  If I know this why am I allowing it?

Mirrors are my worst enemy, some days I can’t stand the sight of myself.  Months ago I was in a good place, confident, loving my body, grateful for it.  Where is this coming from?

I’m reading, listening, and surrounding myself with positivity.  I have amazing family and friends.  My life isn’t perfect, whose is, but I have everything I need in fact I have more then I need.

I know this is a control issue.  Somewhere in my life I feel out of control, somewhere in my life I feel unable to make things right!  In order to regain that control, I control my body, my eating, my exercising and the amped up body hatred fuels this need to continue to control!

I just wish I knew how to make it stop.  Life is tough enough without waking everyday with this battle.  Beauty is a concept, molded by society, bestowed by generations before us and ingrained in us since birth.  We didn’t have a chance to create and manifest our own version of beauty.  Even as adults it’s hard to forage through years of brainwashing.

Beauty equates to thin? Why? Does anyone know?  Why as a WOMAN do I feel inadequate because I don’t fit this mold!

What is sad is that we love others with no restraint! I love my family, my friends because of what is inside, the beauty they resonate from within, their character!  In turn makes their outward beauty that much more! I couldn’t care less if they are fat, thin, blond, brunette, blue brown eyes; I just love them for everything they are!  Why can’t I love myself like that?  Why can’t I see the beauty within myself?

I have lived through anorexia for a reason, I continue to battle for a reason, I share my story and all its intricacies for a reason.  I will not be defeated.  This is just another bump along my journey of self discovery, a chance to grow.  A challenge you say Anorexia?  Well I am up for it!  And I won’t quit till I am triumphant!

Love. & Let Go

Victoria 

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