“I’ve made mistakes in my life. I’ve let people take advantage of me, & I accepted way less then I deserve. But, I’ve learned from bad choices & even though there are some things I can never get back and people who will never be sorry. I’ll know better next time and I wont settle for anything less that I deserve.”
Since I was a child I made bad decisions when it came to foraging new friendships. I was very quick to trust people, very quick to please. “Don’t take kindness as a weakness” was true in my case. Children who were suppose to be my friends used my kindness and in turn took advantage. I allowed it, because like most I was desperate to fit in and be liked.
Towards the end of elementary school and more so in high school I found the circle of young girls I used to call my friends had excommunicated me, I didn’t some how fit their mold. Being friends with me – made them unpopular, I no longer fit into their clique. I spent many nights crying myself to sleep!
It’s sad to admit but this has been a reoccurring theme in my life. I tend to formulate friendships with people that are not worthy. People using me for their own beneficial reasons and dumping me once I’m no longer pose any advantage. Like a parasite living off another organism, growing, feeding, being sheltering while contributing nothing!
It’s hard not to turn these experiences inward and think that maybe it’s something wrong with me. Many people have long lasting friendships since elementary, high school & college. I scratch my head…. am I doing something wrong?
This lack of REAL friendship contributed to my anorexia, I used anorexia as a way to avoid dealing with the loneliness of not having authentic friends, I used it to isolate myself from others so that I would never have to go home and cry about another friend lost. Anorexia would never betray!
Now older & wiser, I find myself having a difficult time meeting new people, its tough to build new friendships. I find it a challenge to truly trust people. I tend to have superficial relationships with people, never really allowing them to know the real me, never letting them in. “Whats the point they will betray me sooner or later, talk behind my back, secrets that were suppose to be sacred will no longer be.” Like the saying “fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me”, have I not learned my lesson. Is it just best to trust & rely solely on myself?
But this road is a lonely one, no one to talk to when you need a sounding board, no one to call when you desperately need advice for small things such as how a date went or more important things like career direction.
“Am I expecting too much?”. Is it wrong to want have friends who when I’m 80 can look back and laugh at silly antic’s we got up to in our 20’s & 30’s? Is it wrong to want to have friends to share in my happiness and to lean on in my sadness?
Alis Volat Propriis