30 is the new 20 they say!

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If 20’s are for foraging your way in life, making mistakes, fumbling through the darkness, swimming without a life jacket,  learning lesson as you go!

Does that mean then in your 30’s you should have it all figured out?

If that is the case then I have failed the point of 20’s and would like a redo!

Does there ever come a time when we have it all figure out? Life, relationships, love, family, career, inner happiness and peace.  Is there ever going to be a time in life when we are overwhelmed with happiness, completely satisfied with love, living and loving our passions, fit, healthy.  All our relationships; friends, family, co workers in perfect harmony.

I would say no… and isn’t that the point of life!  That we have to struggle to succeed, battle before we are born, rain before the rainbow, darkness before the light!

There is never going to be that ‘perfect’ time!  The RIGHT time! When your completely fulfilled!  Because as humans we aren’t perfect nor would we want to!  And there is and always will be room to improve!  Room to be more then you ever thought possible,  room to be happier, more satisfied, more complete!

I battle my inadequacies everyday! Whether it be loving myself, inner happiness, finding fulfillment  in work, my relationships, in life, in myself!  How can one really divide their time between all aspects of life?  How does one find that magic equation that makes them work together harmoniously.   It’s difficult to put 100% into every aspect of your world.  When one area of your life is going great another is suffering!

So what now… do we give up!  The bubble is burst! We all go home!

NO! We keep battling to find that magical equation!  The equation where everything we ever wanted orbit our soul in unison!   The equation where we are blissfully happy, living our passions, friendships & relationships adding even greater happiness.  The equation where we love ourselves, our bodies, our minds, where we live peacefully within our own mental chatter!  The equation where we find someone who compliments our equation.

It won’t matter if its tomorrow, next year, when we are 40 or 80.  Life has no time restraints!  It’s what we make it… and I plan on making it effing amazing!

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Sometimes what you thought you wanted most in life …Was just the stepping stone to something better

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Everyone has seen lately – mostly through social media my ups and downs – especially in the last couple months, if I was being completely honest, more lows then highs.

I finally feel like I have found some peace in my life, not because  my life is any less hectic or any less troubled or trying … but somehow somewhere in the midst of all the chaos, I finally GOT IT.  Guess all those talks/advice with friends, family, my own inner dialogue … something STUCK.

I cling to things or people expecting them to fulfill my emptiness, create my happiness, be my savor, my need to have the perfect body, my habit of clinging to relationships and men that were over a long time ago.  Thinking somehow if I had that perfect body that life would be better.  If I tried harder in relationships, changed, compromised, anything to make him love me the way I needed.  What I realized is that cliché saying ‘HAPPINESS COMES FROM WITHIN’ … is actually true.

Having the perfect body is never going to make me happy.  The perfect body doesn’t exist, not in my head nor in anyone else’s.  Perfection is what you make it … beauty is all in the eye of the beholder and we all see things VERY DIFFERENT.  What one person see’s as beautiful doesn’t always capture the eye of another.  In the end … I have to be able to look myself in the mirror and see my own beauty.

Be proud of ME, proud of all I have accomplished, how I’ve grown.  I may never be a doctor, scientist, President.  But what I do know is that I love the people in my life.  I pride myself knowing everyday I wake up to be a better daughter, sister, friend, mother (to the cutest French bulldog) then yesterday.  I pride myself knowing  I’m always there for people in my life.  I may not save the human race, but I try to spread my positivity as far as I can, share my journey with others so they don’t have to feel alone.  Hoping my story, my struggle, my battle, my strength might influence someone else, make them reach out for help, realize how precious and wonderful life is & its worth fighting for.   I pride myself knowing I will continually strive to make a difference no matter how small … my little dent in the universe.

Finally realizing I can be perfectly happy ALONE, no longer needing to cling to men and relationships that are going no where for fear of being alone.  Trying to make something work that is clearly not.  Compromising myself, my values, settling for way less then I need and most importantly DESERVE.

The wonderful part about finally grasping this knowledge and actually having faith in the belief mind, body and spirit is how LIBERATING IT IS, how FREE you feel.  Released from your own chains … peace.

& the cherry on the top … your heart,  your head, your soul are all open to receiving what the universe has planned for you.

Alis Volat Propriis 

In the Dark Night I Wept Silently

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“Psychological abuse, also referred to as emotional abuse or mental abuse, is a form of abuse characterized by a person subjecting or exposing another to behavior that may result in psychological trauma, including anxiety, chronic depression, or post-traumatic stress disorder. Such abuse is often associated with situations of power imbalance, such as abusive relationships, bullying, child abuse and in the workplace.”

When I was growing up I thought abuse involved fists, punching, shoving, slapping, bruises, broken bones. I never realized that words, threats, bullying, name calling were all forms of abuse. Emotional abuse may not leave a visible mark, but the invisible wounds are often beyond repair.

At a young age, I made poor choices in friends, they used me, bullied me, crushed me. This progressed into choosing men & relationships that we’re emotionally abusive.

“Where did I learn this? Why did I accept this?”

Boyfriends claiming to love me treating me like garbage, abusing me with their malicious words, stroking their ego’s with every hateful word. The alpha male boosting his power by robbing me of mine, I was broke & beat down emotionally. It’s difficult to see anyone you love being hurt, physically or emotionally. Strange when the one being torn down is yourself and you are too blinded by a flawed, dysfunctional, wounded love not to see.

Emotional abuse causes you to doubt yourself. Belittled, degraded, devalued, beat down, all by someone you love. You believe you deserve to be treated this way. You become a shell of the person you used to be. You isolate from family and friends.

Ultimately you believe the words, and you hate yourself! You tell yourself, “Why would anyone be with me? Why would anyone want me?” You honestly believe that no one else will or would EVER love you! It’s almost as if the abuser is doing you a favour by staying with you and that you should be grateful. Because who would ever want a piece of garbage like you!

You compromise your own existence, apologizing for things that you know deep down aren’t your fault, you’d rather be the culprit, convincing yourself that they are right.

Constantly striving to be better, to make them happy. You tell yourself if I was prettier, skinnier, a better cook, kept the house cleaner. The sad reality is that it wouldn’t matter if you were Megan Fox with cooking skills like Gordon Ramsey and a house so spotless you could eat off the floor, it would never be enough to please an abuser.

Abusers hate themselves, they are filled with anger, regret, feelings of inadequacy & failure. To make themselves feel better they cut down the people they love to build themselves up. All their rage, built up inside, spewed like poison on the people around them, especially family, friends & loved ones because they know they will never leave.

Occasionally they will do something that reminds you why you fell in love with them in the beginning. Flowers, gifts, maybe just be loving. They might break down, cry, tell you a sob story of why they act this way & lash out, something to suck you back in, make you feel sorry for them, excusing their behavior, making you feel needed. We hold onto these moments like a golden ticket, for some reason they drown out all the horrible past passages of time & poisonous abuse. And while these moments are fleeting we use them to vehemently defend our love and relationship.

Most abusers live their own silent hell, they have their own horrendous story to tell. Invisible wounds that no one can see. No person is born evil, it’s only through life’s experiences where purity is tarnished. But this is not a justification for abuse!

Looking back, I see how harmful, damaging, and ruthless it all was. Sadly I will never be that carefree 15 year old girl who believes in the purity & virtue of love and the fairytale Prince. I will forever be guarded, left with emotional scars.

Alis Volat Propriis

xoxo Victoria

I know that we sin but I do believe we try

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Sometimes I wonder if marriage, children, house, white picket fence are in my future.  When I was younger I never gave it a second thought, I thought it was all just a process, a progress of life, why wouldn’t I this is what we were taught.  I thought I would meet the ‘man of my dreams’ which in turn would result into a magical proposal followed by a fairytale wedding, honey moon, succeeded eventually by children (or child in my case).No one told you when you were a child that, relationships, love would be so hard to find! And once found such a struggle to maintain.That famous statement men are from mars women from venus couldn’t be more TRUE.

Finding and maintaining love in this day and age is even more challenging then when our parents and grandparents were younger.  The sanctity of marriage no longer has much credibility.  People have lavish weddings only to find themselves in the middle of ugly divorce’s a year later (or less). Social Media makes cheating and creating the iillusion that the grass is greener on the other side.  Women and men have no respect for the sacredness of love anymore.

Back in the day life was much easier.  I know this will sound very antiquated but women used to stay at home with their children attending to chores around the house (job without pay) and the man worked to bring home money.  There wasn’t internet, social media – couples went out together.  I don’t pretend to believe cheating didn’t exist back then, but there was less outward distraction to aid in the break down of love and relationships.  Divorce was not only frowned upon but was taboo – making couples think twice!  II don’t want to go back to living in that period but I do think there is something to be learned by those generations.

The older we get, the more life we live, the more failed relationships we experience, the more tainted we become our innocence fades.  We no longer enter into a relationship with a clean slate but rather with the wounds of our past.  No longer do we just have to battle the differences between men and women and the struggle of a relationship but battle the scars of yesterdays relationships, trying to heal each others silent torment that we didn’t create nor inflict.

What is the solution?  Do we continue to plunge into relationships dragging our baggage of former suffering, tainting something that which is pure, never having a clean slate.  Or do we take a leap of faith, do we take a risk with our hearts just for the chance of maybe getting everything – love, companionship, marriage, friendship – the fairytale.

To be completely honest having had my share of painful relationships which have resulted in my own invisible wounds, some which have yet to heal, I’m not sure if I can say with all genuineness that I could take that leap of faith, let my guard down with the faith, hope, courage that I might find my ‘Prince Charming’ & finally find the love that I dreamed of as a little girl.

Rejection

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Rejection is a hard pill to swallow, especially for me.  I’m a people pleaser and fixer, I want everything and everyone to be happy and everything to be perfect.  I don’t want anyone to feel out of place or feel as if they don’t belong!  This can often lead to taking on too much because I have a hard time saying NO!

So when I am rejected by friends, guys or people in general I have a difficult time dealing with it.  Even if it’s as small as a stranger giving me a  nasty look passing by on the street or in the supermarket I take it to heart.

I’ll be the first to say I have an overactive mind, I’ll obsess over the smallest things.  Going over details of a situation, picking apart where things may have gone wrong.  It’s definitely mentally exhausting.

I would much rather have someone communicate the reason –  however painful – why they rejected me, rather then invent my own reasoning .  Maybe this is not for everyone, some might rather not know.  I agree sometimes ignorance is bliss, but personally I’d rather know.  Otherwise I will imagined 101 reasons why they have rejected me.  None of them very comforting!

The other negative affect of rejection with no sort of closure is we often make the rejection about ourselves, and I am no exception.  I’ll rack my brain wondering what it was that I did ….. did I talk to much, am I too fat, was I too silly, did I come across stupid, they thought I was boring, I laughed too loud and on and on and on!

So how do you cope with rejection?  As much as I want to believe that its not about me, I can’t stop my mind presuming it is!

I’d love your feedback.

Alis Volat Propriis

xoxo Victoria

Friendship

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“I’ve made mistakes in my life.  I’ve let people take advantage of me, & I accepted way less then I deserve.  But, I’ve learned from bad choices & even though there are some things I can never get back and people who will never be sorry.  I’ll know better next time and I wont settle for anything less that I deserve.”

Since I was a child I made bad decisions when it came to foraging new friendships.  I was very quick to trust people, very quick to please.   “Don’t take kindness as a weakness” was true in my case.  Children who were suppose to be my friends used my kindness and in turn took advantage.  I allowed it, because like most I was desperate to fit in and be liked.

Towards the end of elementary school and more so in high school I found the circle of young girls I used to call my friends had excommunicated me, I didn’t some how fit their mold.  Being friends with me – made them unpopular, I no longer fit into their clique.  I spent many nights crying myself to sleep!

It’s sad to admit but this has been a reoccurring theme in my life.  I tend to formulate friendships with people that are not worthy.  People using me for their own beneficial reasons and dumping me once I’m no longer pose any advantage.  Like a parasite living off another organism, growing, feeding, being sheltering while contributing nothing!

It’s hard not to turn these experiences inward and  think that maybe it’s something wrong with me.    Many people have long lasting friendships since elementary, high school & college.  I scratch my head…. am I doing something wrong?

This lack of REAL friendship contributed to my anorexia, I used anorexia as a way to avoid dealing with the loneliness of not having authentic friends, I used it to isolate myself from others so that I would never have to go home and cry about another friend lost.  Anorexia would never betray!

Now older & wiser, I find myself having a difficult time meeting new people, its tough to build new friendships.  I find it a challenge to truly trust people.  I tend to have superficial relationships with people, never really allowing them to know the real me, never letting them in.  “Whats the point they will betray me sooner or later, talk behind my back, secrets that were suppose to be sacred will no longer be.”   Like the saying “fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me”, have I not learned my lesson.  Is it just best to trust & rely solely on myself?

But this road is a lonely one, no one to talk to when you need a sounding board, no one to call when you desperately need advice for small things such as how a date went or more important things like career direction.

“Am I expecting too much?”.  Is it wrong to want have friends who when I’m 80 can look back and laugh at silly antic’s we got up to in our 20’s & 30’s?  Is it wrong to want to have friends to share in my happiness and to lean on in my sadness?

Alis Volat Propriis
xoxo Victoria