I won’t quit till I am Triumphant!

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Anorexia is complicated disease.  I say I am recovered and for the most part I am.  But mentally part of my brain is still infected, I question if it will ever be cured.  I relentlessly battle that tainted part of my soul.  I will never quit, defeat is not an option.  I refuse to allow anorexia to control me every again.

The past month that menacing inner voice I wrestle with seems to be victorious.  Why am I allowing this polluted, corrupt, hideous voice to have control over MY thoughts?

Life, love, happiness is so much more than my physical body.  My weight, my size does not define me.  If I know this why am I allowing it?

Mirrors are my worst enemy, some days I can’t stand the sight of myself.  Months ago I was in a good place, confident, loving my body, grateful for it.  Where is this coming from?

I’m reading, listening, and surrounding myself with positivity.  I have amazing family and friends.  My life isn’t perfect, whose is, but I have everything I need in fact I have more then I need.

I know this is a control issue.  Somewhere in my life I feel out of control, somewhere in my life I feel unable to make things right!  In order to regain that control, I control my body, my eating, my exercising and the amped up body hatred fuels this need to continue to control!

I just wish I knew how to make it stop.  Life is tough enough without waking everyday with this battle.  Beauty is a concept, molded by society, bestowed by generations before us and ingrained in us since birth.  We didn’t have a chance to create and manifest our own version of beauty.  Even as adults it’s hard to forage through years of brainwashing.

Beauty equates to thin? Why? Does anyone know?  Why as a WOMAN do I feel inadequate because I don’t fit this mold!

What is sad is that we love others with no restraint! I love my family, my friends because of what is inside, the beauty they resonate from within, their character!  In turn makes their outward beauty that much more! I couldn’t care less if they are fat, thin, blond, brunette, blue brown eyes; I just love them for everything they are!  Why can’t I love myself like that?  Why can’t I see the beauty within myself?

I have lived through anorexia for a reason, I continue to battle for a reason, I share my story and all its intricacies for a reason.  I will not be defeated.  This is just another bump along my journey of self discovery, a chance to grow.  A challenge you say Anorexia?  Well I am up for it!  And I won’t quit till I am triumphant!

Love. & Let Go

Victoria 

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