It’s been a while since I spent time with myself

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Time seems to go so quickly now, work, life, relationships.  My feet hit the floor in the AM and my only rest is when my head hits the pillow at night.

Finally I can say certain aspects of my life truly make me happy and I have found a stillness, a peaceful calm

That being said, the struggle continues with my body, my eating, the negative self talk.  And this energy rages through my skin like volcanic liquid, searing the simple joys of life.

It’s exhausting.  I truly believe that this thinking will never leave me.  I can’t shut it off, I can’t quiet the voice.  I have programmed myself to believe that my body is an example of success or failure.  And when I look in the mirror all I see is failure.  If I can see it, then the rest of the world must see it to.

The belief is so suffocating that I can’t even get a gasp of fresh air to see how I am so much more then flesh and bones.  Even as I write this, all I can hear in my head is “You are nothing, you haven’t accomplished anything, and look your fat, couldn’t even do that properly”

This is my struggle.  The effects bleed out into all aspects of my life.

I am constantly searching to figure out how to find peace with my body, to love it for everything that it does for me.

I would love feedback

Screaming to be Free

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MIssCheauvairIII-MirrorMirrorontheWThe older I get them more exhausting this becomes.

I’m tired of the constant battling within.  I’m tired of constant comparing, tired of the unknown, tired of knowing this will never end, tired of seeing my worth only through the size of my body, tired of seeing my body through my own eyes.  I’m tired of looking in the mirror in disgust and disappointment.  Tired of feeling and seeing every imperfection in my body, tired of believing how I look is what connected to what I amount to in this world.   I’m tired of the struggle.

People tell me its all a mindset, that I just need to shift my thoughts.  I need to be more positive, I need to stop being so insular, stop being inside my head.  Think outside the box, think of others.  Your problems aren’t bad.  I try, I’m trying and I have tried. But the cycle does not end, the thoughts don’t stop coming, my flesh still betrays me.  And so again I feel like a failure.  Its just a mindset right? So I should be able to stop this.  But here I am still struggling,  still consumed.

There is a little girl trapped inside this body screaming to be free yet the chains are locked, n keys to be found.

Everything I could have been. everything I could have done has been tainted and warped by this cancer that grows in my head.

I try to keep it at bay, some days are better then others.  I try and stuff it down, and keep it out of site.  But when I am alone it spills out every where, polluting every thing is touches.

I wonder how long I can keep this up, I wonder how long my body and brain will contain this beast before it implodes.

#thoughtsoftheDay

You’re just so full of yourself! Body Dysmorphia & Body Checking!

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The other day someone that I care about said to me

“You know for someone who has body issues and always feels FAT you seem to have no problem showing your body off”

IMG_20140501_201229Initially I was FURIOUS! Good thing I was heading to yoga to get my ZEN on! Yoga always gives me time to reflect! Because what else are you suppose to do for 90 mins besides think and pray that you don’t combust! (Bikrams hot yoga).

It’s hard not to feel insulted by statements like that, because its so far from the truth, but I have come to realise that it’s just plain ignorance. I can’t expect people who have never experienced anorexia, eating disorders, body dysmorphia to understand. People have a hard time identifying with mental illness as is, especially if they have never had it or lived with someone afflicted by it!

I am recovered and no longer live in the chains of anorexia! But I still struggle with internal demons.  One of them happens to be body dysmorphia and body checking is a by product of it.

So What is body dysmorphia?

Individuals afflicted by BDD are concerned with body image, manifested as excessive concern about & preoccupation with a perceived defect of their physical appearance. An individual with BDD has perpetual negative thoughts about their appearance.

Symptoms can include

  • camouflaging (with body position, clothing, makeup, hair, hats, etc.)
  • comparing body part to others’ appearance
  • seeking surgery
  • checking in a mirror or avoiding mirrors
  • skin picking
  • excessive grooming
  • excessive exercise
  • changing clothes excessively
  • Avoidance of social situations
  • Feeling the need to stay housebound
  • The need to seek reassurance about your appearance from others

What is Body checking?

Body checking refers to an obsessive thought and behavior about appearance.  These checks and/or questions occur repetitively, in some cases hundreds of times per day.  The person will often experience a momentary reassurance, only to be followed by increased levels of anxiety about their appearance.

Behaviors that may be considered body checking include:

  • looking in the mirror,
  • weighing oneself,
  • pinching oneself around the waist, or wrapping a hand around a wrist or other body part.
  • Sometimes sufferers will also ask friends or family members questions about their weight and/or appearance such as “Do I look fat?” or “Do I look like I’ve gained weight?”

For me body checking includes a lot of mirror checks, posing in different angles to see if I look fatter.  Taking pictures – becaue camera’s don’t lie and comparing them with previous pictures!  The more I look at myself, the more I look at the pictures, the more I analyze, the fatter I become, the more grotesque, the more flaws I can see, the worse it gets!

I  say “I am fat” without even really acknowledging that I am saying it! And honestly when people tell me I am not, the reassurance is so fleeting, because what are they really suppose to say – Yes you are!

Often the “feeling of fat” or “I am fat” statements have nothing to do with fat at all.  As my coach will say the only fat that needs draining is from my head.  I am “feeling fat” because somewhere else in my life I feel out of control, it could be work, relationships, friends, life etc!

Somewhere along my journey in my life I learned that when everything is out of control if I can control my BODY then all is right in the world!  I learned to disassociate and numb myself by obsessing about my body, exercise, controlling the food that I put in it and that somehow when that its all aligned perfectly then everything is will be perfect and everything will be alright!

Sadly though I have been down that path.  And even when I weighed 80lbs, exercised 6 hours a day and ate practically nothing,  even on the days that I did everything right nothing was flawless or perfect.  In fact everything was chaotic and out of control!

And through recovery and growth I have learned that what really matters at the end of the day is what I see in the mirror looking back at me, am I proud of that person?   What matters is do I love myself? What matters is am I happy? What matters is the people in my life that I love!

When looks fade and skin sags and things drop (because they will) I need to be able to look at my life with love and without regret!  Because as cliche as it sounds what is on the outside is so superficial, and does not bring you happiness!  It is your experiences in life and the people in it that bring you happiness! It’s peace and joy that you find within yourself!

If you look around at the people in your life you love – you don’t love them because they look a certain way its because of the people they are inside!  Shouldn’t we look at ourselves with those eyes?

What the question  forced me to do is to is dig deep inside myself again!  I still need to find peace within, I need to do more work , more growth within myself.

I can’t just use the excuse I have body dysmorphia for staying stagnant!  I am the only one that can change myself and evolve!   Only I can be my own hero!

“Fear is a trick being played on you … don’t fall for it!”

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Fat may not be a feeling but it damn well feels like it!

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My coach gets to hear this on a regular basis “I feel fat!” This has and is a regular in my vocab! I’m sure many of you can relate!

If fat is not a feeling then what the heck is it?

I think it’s different for everyone!  For me, when I feel out of control in areas of my life I feel fat!  And what adds insult to injury is when I eat something not considered ‘safe’ food or healthy food and God forbid I miss a day at the gym!

Out of control can look like many things for me!  It could be that something is wrong in my relationships be that with men, parents, family ,friends, coworkers.  I could feel out of control about work, money, or things are piling up!  When I feel I am letting people down, myself down, when I am not living up to what society expects of me, what I expect of me, what my family and friends expect of me!  All of a sudden that fat feeling creeps in!

Even though I am recovered and can identify what is going on, I still can’t stop that part of my brain that goes into panic mode!

All of a sudden I want to cut my calories, increase my cardio, eat nothing but vegetables and tofu (trust me I know how

stupid that sounds)!  Wear baggy clothes to hide my out of control fat that everyone can see!  I am exaggerating, but at the time it feels real!

Not only do I feel fat, I have convinced myself I am FAT! Which then creates feelings of being inadequate and a complete failure!

And I ask myself why do I equate control of food, diet, exercise, weight with stability?

Why do I think when I have that all under control all will be right in my world!  Because I have been down that road!!   I have made that goal weight of 120lbs, 110lbs, 100lbs, 90lbs and guess what nothing was right in my world, in fact everything was wrong and despite my delusional efforts everything was out of control.

Maybe being in control, being 100% focused on diet, exercise etc allows me to not have deal with reality and the outside world?

It doesn’t matter what kind of chaos is going on in my life, that spat with a friend, that guy not liking me, that phone argument I got in with my parents, that fact that I am no where near where I should be in life.  I am too busy!

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Focusing on diet and exercise, to allow those feelings to penetrate my bubble!  I’m too occupied, micro managing everything that goes in my mouth and every minute spent at the gym!  I don’t have time for feelings,  or to get hurt, or experience happiness or joy!

So is that my coping mechanism?

Do I avoid the uncomfortable realities of life, do I guard my head and heart by making it about my body, diet, exercise? Instead of just embracing them!

Maybe it’s time to stop using food and exercise as security blanket, a coping mechanism! Maybe it’s time to step up to the plate, get hurt, step up to confrontation!  Maybe it’s time to experience joy, happiness the highs and the lows!

Maybe it’s time to stop “feeling fat” and really dig down to undercover what I am really feeling and what I am trying to run away from!