She was drowning but no one saw her Struggle

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prison-n04Life it too short to be at war with yourself everyday.

And yet I am!

I am really struggling.  If I were to be honest, mentally, regarding my outlook towards my body could be back at square one.  I have gone a million steps back.

I can’t turn it off, I can’t just snap out of it.  I don’t know why or what has triggered it.  It has always been there but for now its so loud, its deafening.

Everyday my body constantly reminding me of what a failure I am.  The rolls, the fat, the bloating.  All I see is disgust.

I can’t function, my life is constant mental abuse.  Over and over again.

I’m exhausted.  I don’t believe there is any cure.  I still believe that if my body was the way I wanted that I would be happy.  And I know this is not true yet this is how I feel.

I spend hours at the gym, trying to improve myself, I try and eat clean and diet.  All I feel is exhausted.  It just all seems like  a huge waste of time, because I look and feel disgusting.

I just want to be free of it all.

What a waste of life I am.  Spent a good 10 years starving myself and then recovery only to continue being haunted by this voice.

And yes I will when laying on my death bed, wonder what it was all worth.  I’ll know it wasn’t worth it at all, but that won’t change anything.

I suffer from mental illness, you can’t not see it.  I don’t have a temperature, a cough or runny nose.  But I none the less I am ill.

I fear that only when I am dead will this voice in my head be silenced.

This is torture and I am exhausted.

It’s been a while since I spent time with myself

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Time seems to go so quickly now, work, life, relationships.  My feet hit the floor in the AM and my only rest is when my head hits the pillow at night.

Finally I can say certain aspects of my life truly make me happy and I have found a stillness, a peaceful calm

That being said, the struggle continues with my body, my eating, the negative self talk.  And this energy rages through my skin like volcanic liquid, searing the simple joys of life.

It’s exhausting.  I truly believe that this thinking will never leave me.  I can’t shut it off, I can’t quiet the voice.  I have programmed myself to believe that my body is an example of success or failure.  And when I look in the mirror all I see is failure.  If I can see it, then the rest of the world must see it to.

The belief is so suffocating that I can’t even get a gasp of fresh air to see how I am so much more then flesh and bones.  Even as I write this, all I can hear in my head is “You are nothing, you haven’t accomplished anything, and look your fat, couldn’t even do that properly”

This is my struggle.  The effects bleed out into all aspects of my life.

I am constantly searching to figure out how to find peace with my body, to love it for everything that it does for me.

I would love feedback

Screaming to be Free

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MIssCheauvairIII-MirrorMirrorontheWThe older I get them more exhausting this becomes.

I’m tired of the constant battling within.  I’m tired of constant comparing, tired of the unknown, tired of knowing this will never end, tired of seeing my worth only through the size of my body, tired of seeing my body through my own eyes.  I’m tired of looking in the mirror in disgust and disappointment.  Tired of feeling and seeing every imperfection in my body, tired of believing how I look is what connected to what I amount to in this world.   I’m tired of the struggle.

People tell me its all a mindset, that I just need to shift my thoughts.  I need to be more positive, I need to stop being so insular, stop being inside my head.  Think outside the box, think of others.  Your problems aren’t bad.  I try, I’m trying and I have tried. But the cycle does not end, the thoughts don’t stop coming, my flesh still betrays me.  And so again I feel like a failure.  Its just a mindset right? So I should be able to stop this.  But here I am still struggling,  still consumed.

There is a little girl trapped inside this body screaming to be free yet the chains are locked, n keys to be found.

Everything I could have been. everything I could have done has been tainted and warped by this cancer that grows in my head.

I try to keep it at bay, some days are better then others.  I try and stuff it down, and keep it out of site.  But when I am alone it spills out every where, polluting every thing is touches.

I wonder how long I can keep this up, I wonder how long my body and brain will contain this beast before it implodes.

#thoughtsoftheDay

Suffocating

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Every day I open my eyes in the cloud of depression, anxiety, self loathing, dragging my tired body and exhausted mind out of bed.

Only because that is what “normal” people are suppose to do.

What would people think if I just laid in bed all day sleeping or wrapped in my warped thoughts.

Normal people get up, normal people make and eat breakfast, brush their hair, change out of their pajamas.   Routine right? I’m keeping up with the standard.  If I maintain this level or routine then I am normal RIGHT?

Computer; emails; phone calls;  Skype meetings; gym;  going through the motions.  If I get out of bed, pull up my socks, suck it up.  Everything is ok, I’m keeping up with appearances, I’m functional.

Every day, same thing.  Insanity: doing something over and over again expecting a different result.

I can’t quiet my mind.  The anxiety is crippling. The feeling of dread, the obsessive thoughts, over and over about nothing and everything.  It’s exhausting, I’m exhausted.  The vicious cycle, where is the off button.

I feel like my brain is a science project trapped in my flesh.

I catch myself staring out the window, millions of thoughts rushing through my head but I can’t quiet my brain or slow it down enough to catch up.

I can’t recall the last time I laid my head on my pillow with a quiet and calm mind, nor can I recall a time when I awoke rested and peaceful.

The older I get the harder it becomes.

All this energy, thoughts, anxiety stuffed down, kept inside, all this craziness, thinking, reflecting, ruminating, scrutiny, reasoning.  It weights me down like a heavy anchor suffocating me in a sea of my own demise.

You’re just so full of yourself! Body Dysmorphia & Body Checking!

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The other day someone that I care about said to me

“You know for someone who has body issues and always feels FAT you seem to have no problem showing your body off”

IMG_20140501_201229Initially I was FURIOUS! Good thing I was heading to yoga to get my ZEN on! Yoga always gives me time to reflect! Because what else are you suppose to do for 90 mins besides think and pray that you don’t combust! (Bikrams hot yoga).

It’s hard not to feel insulted by statements like that, because its so far from the truth, but I have come to realise that it’s just plain ignorance. I can’t expect people who have never experienced anorexia, eating disorders, body dysmorphia to understand. People have a hard time identifying with mental illness as is, especially if they have never had it or lived with someone afflicted by it!

I am recovered and no longer live in the chains of anorexia! But I still struggle with internal demons.  One of them happens to be body dysmorphia and body checking is a by product of it.

So What is body dysmorphia?

Individuals afflicted by BDD are concerned with body image, manifested as excessive concern about & preoccupation with a perceived defect of their physical appearance. An individual with BDD has perpetual negative thoughts about their appearance.

Symptoms can include

  • camouflaging (with body position, clothing, makeup, hair, hats, etc.)
  • comparing body part to others’ appearance
  • seeking surgery
  • checking in a mirror or avoiding mirrors
  • skin picking
  • excessive grooming
  • excessive exercise
  • changing clothes excessively
  • Avoidance of social situations
  • Feeling the need to stay housebound
  • The need to seek reassurance about your appearance from others

What is Body checking?

Body checking refers to an obsessive thought and behavior about appearance.  These checks and/or questions occur repetitively, in some cases hundreds of times per day.  The person will often experience a momentary reassurance, only to be followed by increased levels of anxiety about their appearance.

Behaviors that may be considered body checking include:

  • looking in the mirror,
  • weighing oneself,
  • pinching oneself around the waist, or wrapping a hand around a wrist or other body part.
  • Sometimes sufferers will also ask friends or family members questions about their weight and/or appearance such as “Do I look fat?” or “Do I look like I’ve gained weight?”

For me body checking includes a lot of mirror checks, posing in different angles to see if I look fatter.  Taking pictures – becaue camera’s don’t lie and comparing them with previous pictures!  The more I look at myself, the more I look at the pictures, the more I analyze, the fatter I become, the more grotesque, the more flaws I can see, the worse it gets!

I  say “I am fat” without even really acknowledging that I am saying it! And honestly when people tell me I am not, the reassurance is so fleeting, because what are they really suppose to say – Yes you are!

Often the “feeling of fat” or “I am fat” statements have nothing to do with fat at all.  As my coach will say the only fat that needs draining is from my head.  I am “feeling fat” because somewhere else in my life I feel out of control, it could be work, relationships, friends, life etc!

Somewhere along my journey in my life I learned that when everything is out of control if I can control my BODY then all is right in the world!  I learned to disassociate and numb myself by obsessing about my body, exercise, controlling the food that I put in it and that somehow when that its all aligned perfectly then everything is will be perfect and everything will be alright!

Sadly though I have been down that path.  And even when I weighed 80lbs, exercised 6 hours a day and ate practically nothing,  even on the days that I did everything right nothing was flawless or perfect.  In fact everything was chaotic and out of control!

And through recovery and growth I have learned that what really matters at the end of the day is what I see in the mirror looking back at me, am I proud of that person?   What matters is do I love myself? What matters is am I happy? What matters is the people in my life that I love!

When looks fade and skin sags and things drop (because they will) I need to be able to look at my life with love and without regret!  Because as cliche as it sounds what is on the outside is so superficial, and does not bring you happiness!  It is your experiences in life and the people in it that bring you happiness! It’s peace and joy that you find within yourself!

If you look around at the people in your life you love – you don’t love them because they look a certain way its because of the people they are inside!  Shouldn’t we look at ourselves with those eyes?

What the question  forced me to do is to is dig deep inside myself again!  I still need to find peace within, I need to do more work , more growth within myself.

I can’t just use the excuse I have body dysmorphia for staying stagnant!  I am the only one that can change myself and evolve!   Only I can be my own hero!

“Fear is a trick being played on you … don’t fall for it!”

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That is where I’ll always love you, that is where I’ll be waiting!

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Grief: Deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone’s death.  

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The pain of losing someone is indescribable, undefinable, the most agonizing feeling of loss that can’t be put into words.  You can’t know what someone else is going through, even if you have experienced grief and death! Why? because no one shares the same suffering.  No one can feel the pain in someone’s heart!  No two peoples experience is ever the same!

I lost my Grandad Feb 16th, 2013 after a short battle with Cancer.  I’m still not over it, I’m still angry, I’m still grieving!   I won’t ever stop grieving.   Sure they say it gets better, just give it time!  But I miss him incredible and nothing , not time, not people, not love can fill the void he has left!

It’s beyond devastating to watch your loved one suffer!  To be helpless to such a unforgiving disease, to death!  To watch life slip away in front on you! To see them, a shell of what they were and not be able to do anything.  When you can’t even comfort them or soothe their pain!  You know they are dying, they know they are dying, the unspoken word!  No one wants to say it, because no one wants to believe it!  You want their suffering to end, but you’re not ready for them to go, you want them to stay forever!

And you wait, watching, dreading  for those final moments! & through the ugliness, through the pain you cherish every hour, every minute every second he cheats from death!  Because you know when it comes, his last breath, the finality, you can’t go back!  As bleak the situation, as hopeless the outcome, where there is life there is hope!

As your holding his hand and you see his last breath, and you watch his last tear.  You know his body has failed him, his vessel, his shell, but his soul, his essence, his spirit …  where does it  go?

You hold his hand, still warm, but you know he is no longer there!  Your tears are uncontrollable!  This was inevitable, but  it doesn’t make it any easier? And you know he is no longer suffering, he’s in a better place and he’s lived a long life! But you’re not ready to let him go! You still have so much you wanted to share with him!

He’ll never see me get married, or be a great grandfather to my children, he’ll never see me successful, or happy with someone who loves me.  My future boyfriend or husband will never get to meet him!  There are so many events in my life I wanted to share with him!

I miss his smile, his laugh, the stories, the birthday cards.  I miss how he always use to say “tah love!”.   I miss him waving goodbye from the front of his place with Sylvia by his side!  I just miss HIM!

I can’t believe that these beautiful souls of people I love, full of energy, happiness, struggle, just vanish!  I hold close to my heart that my loved ones who have left this world are waiting somewhere in some capacity for me when my time comes!

I hope wherever my Grandad is, he is laughing, in peace out of pain, watching over us and proud!

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