She was drowning but no one saw her Struggle

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prison-n04Life it too short to be at war with yourself everyday.

And yet I am!

I am really struggling.  If I were to be honest, mentally, regarding my outlook towards my body could be back at square one.  I have gone a million steps back.

I can’t turn it off, I can’t just snap out of it.  I don’t know why or what has triggered it.  It has always been there but for now its so loud, its deafening.

Everyday my body constantly reminding me of what a failure I am.  The rolls, the fat, the bloating.  All I see is disgust.

I can’t function, my life is constant mental abuse.  Over and over again.

I’m exhausted.  I don’t believe there is any cure.  I still believe that if my body was the way I wanted that I would be happy.  And I know this is not true yet this is how I feel.

I spend hours at the gym, trying to improve myself, I try and eat clean and diet.  All I feel is exhausted.  It just all seems like  a huge waste of time, because I look and feel disgusting.

I just want to be free of it all.

What a waste of life I am.  Spent a good 10 years starving myself and then recovery only to continue being haunted by this voice.

And yes I will when laying on my death bed, wonder what it was all worth.  I’ll know it wasn’t worth it at all, but that won’t change anything.

I suffer from mental illness, you can’t not see it.  I don’t have a temperature, a cough or runny nose.  But I none the less I am ill.

I fear that only when I am dead will this voice in my head be silenced.

This is torture and I am exhausted.