Life it too short to be at war with yourself everyday.
And yet I am!
I am really struggling. If I were to be honest, mentally, regarding my outlook towards my body could be back at square one. I have gone a million steps back.
I can’t turn it off, I can’t just snap out of it. I don’t know why or what has triggered it. It has always been there but for now its so loud, its deafening.
Everyday my body constantly reminding me of what a failure I am. The rolls, the fat, the bloating. All I see is disgust.
I can’t function, my life is constant mental abuse. Over and over again.
I’m exhausted. I don’t believe there is any cure. I still believe that if my body was the way I wanted that I would be happy. And I know this is not true yet this is how I feel.
I spend hours at the gym, trying to improve myself, I try and eat clean and diet. All I feel is exhausted. It just all seems like a huge waste of time, because I look and feel disgusting.
I just want to be free of it all.
What a waste of life I am. Spent a good 10 years starving myself and then recovery only to continue being haunted by this voice.
And yes I will when laying on my death bed, wonder what it was all worth. I’ll know it wasn’t worth it at all, but that won’t change anything.
I suffer from mental illness, you can’t not see it. I don’t have a temperature, a cough or runny nose. But I none the less I am ill.
I fear that only when I am dead will this voice in my head be silenced.
This is torture and I am exhausted.