I’m tired of the constant battling within. I’m tired of constant comparing, tired of the unknown, tired of knowing this will never end, tired of seeing my worth only through the size of my body, tired of seeing my body through my own eyes. I’m tired of looking in the mirror in disgust and disappointment. Tired of feeling and seeing every imperfection in my body, tired of believing how I look is what connected to what I amount to in this world. I’m tired of the struggle.
People tell me its all a mindset, that I just need to shift my thoughts. I need to be more positive, I need to stop being so insular, stop being inside my head. Think outside the box, think of others. Your problems aren’t bad. I try, I’m trying and I have tried. But the cycle does not end, the thoughts don’t stop coming, my flesh still betrays me. And so again I feel like a failure. Its just a mindset right? So I should be able to stop this. But here I am still struggling, still consumed.
There is a little girl trapped inside this body screaming to be free yet the chains are locked, n keys to be found.
Everything I could have been. everything I could have done has been tainted and warped by this cancer that grows in my head.
I try to keep it at bay, some days are better then others. I try and stuff it down, and keep it out of site. But when I am alone it spills out every where, polluting every thing is touches.
I wonder how long I can keep this up, I wonder how long my body and brain will contain this beast before it implodes.