Suffocating

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suffocation_by_solaceinsubconscious-d53ebzo

Every day I open my eyes in the cloud of depression, anxiety, self loathing, dragging my tired body and exhausted mind out of bed.

Only because that is what “normal” people are suppose to do.

What would people think if I just laid in bed all day sleeping or wrapped in my warped thoughts.

Normal people get up, normal people make and eat breakfast, brush their hair, change out of their pajamas.   Routine right? I’m keeping up with the standard.  If I maintain this level or routine then I am normal RIGHT?

Computer; emails; phone calls;  Skype meetings; gym;  going through the motions.  If I get out of bed, pull up my socks, suck it up.  Everything is ok, I’m keeping up with appearances, I’m functional.

Every day, same thing.  Insanity: doing something over and over again expecting a different result.

I can’t quiet my mind.  The anxiety is crippling. The feeling of dread, the obsessive thoughts, over and over about nothing and everything.  It’s exhausting, I’m exhausted.  The vicious cycle, where is the off button.

I feel like my brain is a science project trapped in my flesh.

I catch myself staring out the window, millions of thoughts rushing through my head but I can’t quiet my brain or slow it down enough to catch up.

I can’t recall the last time I laid my head on my pillow with a quiet and calm mind, nor can I recall a time when I awoke rested and peaceful.

The older I get the harder it becomes.

All this energy, thoughts, anxiety stuffed down, kept inside, all this craziness, thinking, reflecting, ruminating, scrutiny, reasoning.  It weights me down like a heavy anchor suffocating me in a sea of my own demise.

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