FAT, FAT, FAT, FAT ….

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anorexia-1-20qo8guDo you want to know what goes on in my head some days!

“FAT, FAT, FAT, FAT you are so fat! Everyone can see how fat you are!  Workout all the time and you can’t even get that right! You’re a failure! A fraud! You claim to be recovered but look at you! You’re a loser, you have nothing to show!  You give nothing to this world! You are a huge waste of space! ”

Every piece of my clothing feels tight, every piece of fabric is clinging to every fatty portion on my body! I can’t escape it, I feel it with every move, I see it in every reflection.  If I could take the vacuum and use it as my own portable liposuction machine I would.  I would take the kitchen knife and cut the fat right off!  Insane right?   I frantically stretch out my clothes with my hands because I can’t stand them touching me.  Taunting me with every move!

I wish I could just unzip and step out of my body, just detach my head from my torso.  Every bone, every muscle, every cell is just screaming LET ME OUT!  It doesn’t feel like my body!  I’m a foreigner in my own skin, trapped!  I don’t want anyone to see me, I am hideous!  I feel like everyone is staring, seeing my shame like my protruding muffin top!

I’m disgusted in myself.  I wish there was an off button, some way to shut off the chatter in my head,  poison contaminating my brain, spreading over my body!

You can tell me it’s all in my head, that I am not fat, that I am beautiful! You can tell me that I am selfish and insular! That many people have it worse than I do, that I should step outside of myself and do something bigger, be something bigger!   And you would be right!  Don’t think I haven’t said it to myself, over and over again!   But this is a mental DISORDER a DISEASE!  Unfortunately it does not respond to normal ways of thinking!

Too many of you won’t understand, you can’t understand, the intensity of these feelings!  I could claw my skin off! It makes no sense, but it’s real to me and to many others that suffer.

I am recovered, but I still have days like this!

I am lucky that now these days are few and far between, that now I am more grounded, more in tune with myself and my body.  I am lucky to have more tools and people to lean on to help me through these dark times!   I am lucky to realise that nothing lasts forever, which includes these feelings, this day, this moment, and that tomorrow is a new day!  I am lucky that I have learned to love myself more, to be kind and gentle to myself.

Never give up – recovery is the ONLY OPTION!

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2 thoughts on “FAT, FAT, FAT, FAT ….

  1. You’re a very gifted writer. I want to encourage you on your journey. I do, however, have a suggestion, and it’ll be meaningful for you. Perhaps you will find it easier to let go of the self doubt and self-loathing that seems to plague you at times, once you start to focus OUTSIDE of yourself. I think that a lot of depression, self-doubt and self-loathing creeps in when we become so inwardly focused, and everything seems to revolve around ourselves, or one part of ourselves, which in your case is your body. Try focusing specifically on engaging in helping or active service to others (while still taking care of yourself). It could be an area that’s not necessarily in body image. You may see a difference. Hope this helps! 🙂

  2. How brave you are and understand your every word you are not selfish and these people who tell you to step out of your box do not hang around them…at the same rate you look great athletic. Is such a sexy look rather than a thigh gap

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