That is where I’ll always love you, that is where I’ll be waiting!

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Grief: Deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone’s death.  

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The pain of losing someone is indescribable, undefinable, the most agonizing feeling of loss that can’t be put into words.  You can’t know what someone else is going through, even if you have experienced grief and death! Why? because no one shares the same suffering.  No one can feel the pain in someone’s heart!  No two peoples experience is ever the same!

I lost my Grandad Feb 16th, 2013 after a short battle with Cancer.  I’m still not over it, I’m still angry, I’m still grieving!   I won’t ever stop grieving.   Sure they say it gets better, just give it time!  But I miss him incredible and nothing , not time, not people, not love can fill the void he has left!

It’s beyond devastating to watch your loved one suffer!  To be helpless to such a unforgiving disease, to death!  To watch life slip away in front on you! To see them, a shell of what they were and not be able to do anything.  When you can’t even comfort them or soothe their pain!  You know they are dying, they know they are dying, the unspoken word!  No one wants to say it, because no one wants to believe it!  You want their suffering to end, but you’re not ready for them to go, you want them to stay forever!

And you wait, watching, dreading  for those final moments! & through the ugliness, through the pain you cherish every hour, every minute every second he cheats from death!  Because you know when it comes, his last breath, the finality, you can’t go back!  As bleak the situation, as hopeless the outcome, where there is life there is hope!

As your holding his hand and you see his last breath, and you watch his last tear.  You know his body has failed him, his vessel, his shell, but his soul, his essence, his spirit …  where does it  go?

You hold his hand, still warm, but you know he is no longer there!  Your tears are uncontrollable!  This was inevitable, but  it doesn’t make it any easier? And you know he is no longer suffering, he’s in a better place and he’s lived a long life! But you’re not ready to let him go! You still have so much you wanted to share with him!

He’ll never see me get married, or be a great grandfather to my children, he’ll never see me successful, or happy with someone who loves me.  My future boyfriend or husband will never get to meet him!  There are so many events in my life I wanted to share with him!

I miss his smile, his laugh, the stories, the birthday cards.  I miss how he always use to say “tah love!”.   I miss him waving goodbye from the front of his place with Sylvia by his side!  I just miss HIM!

I can’t believe that these beautiful souls of people I love, full of energy, happiness, struggle, just vanish!  I hold close to my heart that my loved ones who have left this world are waiting somewhere in some capacity for me when my time comes!

I hope wherever my Grandad is, he is laughing, in peace out of pain, watching over us and proud!

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