Fat may not be a feeling but it damn well feels like it!

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My coach gets to hear this on a regular basis “I feel fat!” This has and is a regular in my vocab! I’m sure many of you can relate!

If fat is not a feeling then what the heck is it?

I think it’s different for everyone!  For me, when I feel out of control in areas of my life I feel fat!  And what adds insult to injury is when I eat something not considered ‘safe’ food or healthy food and God forbid I miss a day at the gym!

Out of control can look like many things for me!  It could be that something is wrong in my relationships be that with men, parents, family ,friends, coworkers.  I could feel out of control about work, money, or things are piling up!  When I feel I am letting people down, myself down, when I am not living up to what society expects of me, what I expect of me, what my family and friends expect of me!  All of a sudden that fat feeling creeps in!

Even though I am recovered and can identify what is going on, I still can’t stop that part of my brain that goes into panic mode!

All of a sudden I want to cut my calories, increase my cardio, eat nothing but vegetables and tofu (trust me I know how

stupid that sounds)!  Wear baggy clothes to hide my out of control fat that everyone can see!  I am exaggerating, but at the time it feels real!

Not only do I feel fat, I have convinced myself I am FAT! Which then creates feelings of being inadequate and a complete failure!

And I ask myself why do I equate control of food, diet, exercise, weight with stability?

Why do I think when I have that all under control all will be right in my world!  Because I have been down that road!!   I have made that goal weight of 120lbs, 110lbs, 100lbs, 90lbs and guess what nothing was right in my world, in fact everything was wrong and despite my delusional efforts everything was out of control.

Maybe being in control, being 100% focused on diet, exercise etc allows me to not have deal with reality and the outside world?

It doesn’t matter what kind of chaos is going on in my life, that spat with a friend, that guy not liking me, that phone argument I got in with my parents, that fact that I am no where near where I should be in life.  I am too busy!

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Focusing on diet and exercise, to allow those feelings to penetrate my bubble!  I’m too occupied, micro managing everything that goes in my mouth and every minute spent at the gym!  I don’t have time for feelings,  or to get hurt, or experience happiness or joy!

So is that my coping mechanism?

Do I avoid the uncomfortable realities of life, do I guard my head and heart by making it about my body, diet, exercise? Instead of just embracing them!

Maybe it’s time to stop using food and exercise as security blanket, a coping mechanism! Maybe it’s time to step up to the plate, get hurt, step up to confrontation!  Maybe it’s time to experience joy, happiness the highs and the lows!

Maybe it’s time to stop “feeling fat” and really dig down to undercover what I am really feeling and what I am trying to run away from!

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