Lost, un-passionate… wandering without purpose. That is how I feel lately! Feeling un-accomplished, as if I don’t add worth to anything I touch, lacking substance. Ending each day feeling inadequate.
What is my purpose here? What is the imprint I will leave on this world? Small however it may be, what is it?
I have a vision, a picture a concept of what I want to leave the world. I want to be an advocate for eating disorders, I want to symbolize healthy recovery, embody nourishment not only physically but mentally, emotionally, spiritually and I want to share that with the world. I want to help, I want to change lives.. how do I do this?
It all seems so overwhelming! Everywhere I look people seem to have their lives together whether it be career or marriage, happiness! Yet I feel as though I am fumbling in the darkness! Grasping for hands to hold, clutching the fleeting moments I have clarity, seizing what momentary happiness I have! Holding onto the memory of those brief feelings of complete euphoria!
Not only do I fight society to prove my worthiness, I have to prove to my peers and most importantly and the more difficult of the two I have to substantiate my worthiness to myself.
Isn’t it enough, aren’t I enough! Why is it that to substantiate my existence, to be worthy in the eyes of society, to be taken seriously as a human being I need to be a fearless woman with a career, making 6 figures. I need to be a mother with a husband and a white picket fence. I need to be courageous, self made, needing no one, I need to have it all!
I just want to have purpose when I wake up in the morning and a sense of accomplishment when I lay down my head at night! I don’t want to have to worry that I am on the right path instead I want to know I am on the right path!! I want to be fulfilled in life, I want to make a difference I want to help people, make my small mark on the world!
But right now I’m not sure how that looks, I’m lost! I’m floating aimlessly like a bubble waiting to be popped so I can land on my feet running with purpose, with direction, fulfilled!