Picking … And I don’t mean berries!

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Most of my adult life I’ve had an intimate love affair with anorexia, cheating occasionally with bulimia…but always returning to my one true love Ana.  Later I had a secret liaison with chew & spit, but gave them all up for my healthy bond with recovery.

However there is one alliance I have yet to reveal… and I call it picking! 

Picking in a nutshell – purchasing a 6pack of raisin bran muffins, picking out all the raisins eating them, and disposing of the rest.  Buying 6 pack of pecan tarts, picking all the pecans off,eating them and yup you got it throwing away the rest.  I have been known to buy an entire loaf of raisin bread … and well you know the deal.

Does it make any sense?  Do eating disorders make sense? Does a lot of stuff I’ve done throughout my eating disorder and recovery make sense … NO!

I often engaged in this behaviour when I was stressed out, depressed, lonely, feeling out of control!  It was comforting, like in the past with anorexia or chew and spit!!  In some warped way I felt I was indulging yet not binging and remained in the low end of the caloric scale.

I was sort of telling anorexia FUCK U, I can control myself and not eat the 6 whole muffins but I still get a treat!  I was totally cutting off my relationship with bulimia; if I didn’t eat the whole muffins then I didn’t have to throw up, problem solved.  Picking replaced the entire chaos of my relationship with chew & spit, and the secretive shame and humiliation that came with it.

Like anorexia, binging, bulimia, chew and spit there was a sense of numbness that came with picking, a temporary escape, fleeing from reality, my life, my feelings…followed by dreadful shame.

“WHAT THE HELL am I doing?”  This is beyond normal!!!  What is wrong with me? (I have been here many times).

Mortified from the waste of food & money! Shame that outwardly I acted as if I had kicked my eating disorder in the butt, yet behind closed doors still participating in this absolutely ridiculous ritual.

I can’t even begin to explain the reasoning behind this or how I came to find myself entrenched in this behaviour.

When I started, it was a daily occurrence, some days more then daily.  Fortunately over time it began to become every two days, every week, twice a month, and then very sporadically.

I guess like anorexia, bulimia, chew & spit etc, as I got healthier body and mind, my distorted food relationships ran their course…& sadly I have to announce that picking and I broke up & have gone our separate ways!

The evolution of recovery… MY RECOVERY! 

Sometimes when I’m indulging in a raison bran muffin, I catch myself reminiscing about our bizarre love affair.  But as I finish the ENTIRE muffin raisins and all, I am so thankful that I ended that unhealthy chaotic relationship.

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4 thoughts on “Picking … And I don’t mean berries!

  1. I do this also! I honestly thought I was the only one. Thanks so much for posting this. It literally made me gasp, seeing that someone put words to the irrational behaviour that I was participating in.

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