Ac·cept·ance ; a disposition to tolerate or accept situations.
Acceptance can be a great thing! When you accept people for who they are, accept situations instead of trying to make them into something they are not. Acceptance often allows you to let go, have peace, be free!
In my case acceptance was a form of giving up, surrendering, succumbing.
I was tired, dejected, consumed. In all honesty I thought “this was the best it was going to get”.
For the last month, I have been increasingly struggling with my depression. The dark clouds rarely lifted. Wake up to a new day with the same emptiness, same loneliness. Angry at myself, at the world. The smallest thing sets me off. My only relief is the gym and even sometimes that doesn’t help. Isolating from friends, cocooning myself from the world, lashing out at loved ones. Some days I’d have a few hours where I felt great followed but hours of crying. As you can imagine not the most enjoyable person to be around or be for that matter.
I have become complacent, accepting, burned out, dead inside. Having battled depression now for over 10 years, taking its many different forms, I am tired. I’m tired of waking up everyday like this; tired of spending my life angry; tired of spending countless nights crying myself to sleep, disconnected from the world; tired of lashing out at loved ones, tired of hating my life; tired of seeing no way out. I want to feel normal, I want to be happy, I want to live IN the world, I can’t and won’t live this way anymore.
It’s frustrating when you continually go to the doctor, pill after pill and nothing seems to help. You cling to the one medication that gives you the most “good” days, but when those start to become few and far between, you wonder if maybe nothing is going to work. Therapy is too expensive, waging a war on an uphill battle that you can’t win.
It’s so disheartening, fighting depression everyday, constantly alone with your own thoughts, contemplating is this life really worth it. Continually hitting dead ends when it comes to medical treatment. No one really wants to help! Every visit to the Dr feels like a failure, why isn’t anything working!
I don’t think I can recall a time when I felt “normal” anymore!
I can’t accept living this way, but I’ve fallen into a rut of accepting this pattern, this is my life everyday, the best it’s going to get!
Having battled anorexia and now recovered, I know I am better then this, I deserve better, that I can be happy! I can’t allow depression to control me; I need to be in control of it. I can’t rely on a pill to make everything better or to make me happy.
I need to learn skills to cope; learn better self talk; learn how to better communicate with others; need to understand how my depression works; learn how to control it; need a support structure.
I’m have to grasp every ounce of energy left, scrap the bottom of the barrel; drag myself from this hole I’ve fallen in. In the end it has to come from me, change can only happen when you’ve had enough.
I’ve had enough! I can’t lay down, dead inside; waiting for my body to catch up! I wasted so many years allowing anorexia to control me; I can’t allow depression to take the rest.
Am I excited yes… am I scared HELL YES. I’ve been down this road before with Anorexia. Change, growth, transformation is never easy. I’m in for a hell of a ride, blood, sweat, tears, good days, bad days, frustration, times when I question what the hell I’m doing!
What I do know … I’m stronger then most, I’m a survivor. I have amazing family and friends that support me, no matter how bad it gets. I have been in some dark places in the past and I have YET to give up. I have faith that there is something greater out there for me and it’s not going to be destroyed by depression. In the moment, no matter how bad things seem, a new day brings new clarity.
Alis Volat Propriis