In the Dark Night I Wept Silently

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“Psychological abuse, also referred to as emotional abuse or mental abuse, is a form of abuse characterized by a person subjecting or exposing another to behavior that may result in psychological trauma, including anxiety, chronic depression, or post-traumatic stress disorder. Such abuse is often associated with situations of power imbalance, such as abusive relationships, bullying, child abuse and in the workplace.”

When I was growing up I thought abuse involved fists, punching, shoving, slapping, bruises, broken bones. I never realized that words, threats, bullying, name calling were all forms of abuse. Emotional abuse may not leave a visible mark, but the invisible wounds are often beyond repair.

At a young age, I made poor choices in friends, they used me, bullied me, crushed me. This progressed into choosing men & relationships that we’re emotionally abusive.

“Where did I learn this? Why did I accept this?”

Boyfriends claiming to love me treating me like garbage, abusing me with their malicious words, stroking their ego’s with every hateful word. The alpha male boosting his power by robbing me of mine, I was broke & beat down emotionally. It’s difficult to see anyone you love being hurt, physically or emotionally. Strange when the one being torn down is yourself and you are too blinded by a flawed, dysfunctional, wounded love not to see.

Emotional abuse causes you to doubt yourself. Belittled, degraded, devalued, beat down, all by someone you love. You believe you deserve to be treated this way. You become a shell of the person you used to be. You isolate from family and friends.

Ultimately you believe the words, and you hate yourself! You tell yourself, “Why would anyone be with me? Why would anyone want me?” You honestly believe that no one else will or would EVER love you! It’s almost as if the abuser is doing you a favour by staying with you and that you should be grateful. Because who would ever want a piece of garbage like you!

You compromise your own existence, apologizing for things that you know deep down aren’t your fault, you’d rather be the culprit, convincing yourself that they are right.

Constantly striving to be better, to make them happy. You tell yourself if I was prettier, skinnier, a better cook, kept the house cleaner. The sad reality is that it wouldn’t matter if you were Megan Fox with cooking skills like Gordon Ramsey and a house so spotless you could eat off the floor, it would never be enough to please an abuser.

Abusers hate themselves, they are filled with anger, regret, feelings of inadequacy & failure. To make themselves feel better they cut down the people they love to build themselves up. All their rage, built up inside, spewed like poison on the people around them, especially family, friends & loved ones because they know they will never leave.

Occasionally they will do something that reminds you why you fell in love with them in the beginning. Flowers, gifts, maybe just be loving. They might break down, cry, tell you a sob story of why they act this way & lash out, something to suck you back in, make you feel sorry for them, excusing their behavior, making you feel needed. We hold onto these moments like a golden ticket, for some reason they drown out all the horrible past passages of time & poisonous abuse. And while these moments are fleeting we use them to vehemently defend our love and relationship.

Most abusers live their own silent hell, they have their own horrendous story to tell. Invisible wounds that no one can see. No person is born evil, it’s only through life’s experiences where purity is tarnished. But this is not a justification for abuse!

Looking back, I see how harmful, damaging, and ruthless it all was. Sadly I will never be that carefree 15 year old girl who believes in the purity & virtue of love and the fairytale Prince. I will forever be guarded, left with emotional scars.

Alis Volat Propriis

xoxo Victoria

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4 thoughts on “In the Dark Night I Wept Silently

  1. It takes strength to endure abuse and it takes courage to stop it. A very insightful read!

    To those who abuse: the sin is yours, the crime is yours, and the shame is yours.

    Love You – Mum

  2. Hi. Just wanted to say how much I needed to read this. It spoke to me and moved me. I guess it also opened my eyes. I’ve been in love with men only who treated me really bad, and I have no faith in finding a good man. Don’t think I believe in true love. I am 25, and never loved – or been loved by, a man. Sad, isn’t it…

    • Never sad … everything that happens in life that is bad is lesson and a place to grow. Many of us woman who are abused look at ourselves and wonder how we let another person (man) treat us this way, yet find ourselves in similar situations again with new men. The best thing you can do for yourself if recognize that this is a pattern and take the necessary steps to help you love yourself and therefore find a happy, loving and peaceful relationship. Let me know if you ever want to talk, I’m still growing, I still suffer low self esteem etc from my past relationships but I’m a work in progress! Sending you love!

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