Its days like these that really make me feel like giving up. Depression is so paralyzing. I struggle to function. I can’t even explain the desperation. I feel like my soul has been robbed from me, starving me of pleasure and existence. Life at this moment, this second, this minute, this hour, maybe days is miserable.
I have no idea what set it off! The hopelessness of depression, you don’t know the problem and therefore have no solution. All you know is that you’re drowning in this unhappiness with no boat, life raft or hand to pull you out. You feel alienated, disconnected from family, friends, loved ones. You want to hide, conceal this part of you from people. You feel abnormal, a pariah of society. You ask yourself why am I here again? But there is no reason! Depression creeps in without an invitation, the silent darkness that no one can see.
I can’t find comfort in anything or anyone. I’m too tired to try and explain to others, they can’t understand and I don’t expect them to!
I feel like a burden.
I want to protect them from the ugliness of depression. I feel like I’m a disease no one wants to catch! Even tears aren’t much of an escape, I only feel exhausted after, lifeless and numb.
“Go see the doctor” people tell me! I feel like an annoyance, a nuisance even to her. Another pill that isn’t working? Maybe I’m unfixable…beyond repair. Maybe I am that 1% where nothing helps … cureless.
I know better than to give up, I’ve come so far!
I look up to the ceiling starring blankly at the textured finish, I close my eyes & I ask God for some peace.
Alis Volat Propriis