The Spark

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There comes times in life when your struck by lightening.  These brief moments allow you to evaluate your life with a clear concise conscious.  I believe these small snippets of time when we can clearly see ourselves are blessings in disguise.  There are a few moments that ignited my journey towards recovery, periods of time where I really saw the disease for what it was, without these sparks I’m not sure I would be where I am today.

I had just finished the first of my two daily workouts, showered and was driving to work with my Mum.  We were driving down Robson street it was around noon time.  The street was teeming with people.  We were passing the Vancouver art gallery and I saw this young woman walking!  That very moment something came over me, I thought no one cares how skinny I am, that girl couldn’t care less if I was 70lbs or 170lbs.  I realized everyone was too involved in their own lives, their own troubles, foraging their own journey, creating their own happiness.  “What am I doing?  I’m not competing with anyone but myself, and at what cost?  No one is looking at me with jealousy, in fact the complete opposite.”

So much of my life lately had been miserable, I was truly in the depth of anorexia, working out twice a day each time 2 hrs of cardio, eating practically nothing, isolating myself from the world, honestly wishing I was dead, feeling hopeless.  My life was an endless cycle of obsessive compulsions.  This was the first time in a while that I really felt I wanted to live, wanted to get better, wanted recovery.

Another time I recall, it was Christmas eve, I had just finished making myself throw up.  Christmas Day I wouldn’t be able to go to the gym, so I had to get rid of any food that I had eaten.  I was wrapping presents! I remember I got up from the floor to go to the bathroom and I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror.  I was so gaunt, my skin was yellow, my hair was falling out, I was so frail.  I actually saw myself for the first time, not the twisted distortion.  I remember thinking to myself I have to get better or I’m going to die.

It was small moments like these that gave hope, awakened me, forced me to face reality, reminded me there was something better, that I could be something better, that there was more to life than this miserable existence, I felt empower, I could beat this disease.

Tiny moments in a sea of despair, without them I don’t think I would have had the courage or strength to fight.  They may have been small and fleeting, but they made an immeasurable impact.  Thanks to them I forage my own journey to recovery.  It definitely may have not came over night, but these flickers of hope ignited my pursuit to health and recovery.

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5 thoughts on “The Spark

  1. I honestly didnt think that you could remember moments like that. mainly because i think we all assume that anorexia is something you can get out of..sure it’s binding, but we assume that “well if they really look in the mirror dont they see that what they are isn’t attractive?” How ignorant a thought.
    I think it’s remarkable that you remember those tiny moments, i’m glad you did and i’m glad they stick with you. they helped you get out, but they will also help you continue on the path you’re on now 🙂

  2. Thanks for the comment darling, i understand the mentality behind what you are saying, I mean couldn’t I just see how sick I was and how skinny I was! But eating disorders and severe body dismorphia go hand in hand and I know its hard to believe but ppl who suffer from anorexia really can’t see reality in the mirror. I thought I was fat & I know for the outside it looks ridiculous! Like how can anyone think they are fat when they weight 80lbs but that is the mental disorder. Ur starving your brain, you can’t think normally or concentrate, your life is filled with ritual & u have a severe distortion of what you think you look like. Its such a complicated underestimated illness. & its a struggle everyday but I’m so much happier where I am now! =)

    • yea logically it makes perfect sense that people with these disorders can’t think straight. I’m just surprised you remembered those moments. It must have been hard to dig yourself out you’re so impressive

  3. You are truly an inspiration to anyone that has ever battled anorexia. I saw you at every stage and to see you now as a beautiful woman is amazing. You are one of the most genuine, amazing people I know and I’m lucky to have you as my BFF! I’m so glad you had this moment of clarity as it probably saved your life. You are so strong. I love you!

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