de·pres·sion /diˈpreSHən/

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I battled anorexia/bulimia and disordered eating for over 10 years of my life.   Anorexia like addiction – is just camouflage or symptom of depression.

I can’t really pinpoint the actual day I discovered I was “depressed”.  Depression creeps up on you, disguising itself with different faces.  For many years anorexia, food, exercise, my conquest to become this idealistic version of perfection concealed my depression.

Unbeknownst to me my anorexia was a mask for severe depression which I only truly understood till recovery.  When I made the decision to fight my anorexia and get better, I didn’t realize that it wasn’t just food & exercise that I would have to create a healthy balance with, but that I would have to battle deeper demons within myself.

Depression is a mental illness.  A BIG pet peeve of mine is when people comment  “Why are you depressed?”, “You have nothing to be sad about!”, “You have so much going for you!”, “Just shake it off!”

Chronic depression isn’t waking up and feeling sad or blue for a couple hours, a day, a week.  Chronic depression is waking up everyday with a sense of hopelessness, feeling like something is weighting you down, you feel helpless, worthless, empty, numb, inconsolable.    I can’t even illustrate to the everyday person in words how debilitating depression is, the desperation you feel when you suffer from depression is undefinable unless you have experienced it yourself.  If I could “shake it off” I would, a long time ago.

I don’t choose to live this way,  I don’t know the cure! I just know that everyday I get up – is a new day – another day to battle.  Some days are better then others, some are roller coasters, high one minute low the next.  I can be filled with rage, impatiently irritable, contagiously laughing, uncontrollably crying with no reason.  It’s very frustrating and debilitating.  I’ll go through days of depression (sometimes weeks) and isolation.  I detach myself from my loved ones, disconnect from the outside world, purposely close myself off because I feel worthless, hopeless, unloved, a burden.

Any ‘sane’ person would ask WHY do you bother, what kind of life is this?  And there are lots of days where I ask myself the same thing.  BUT I have minutes, moments, hours might I even say days of happiness, dare I say bliss.  Even if these days are farther and few between they OUT weight the bad days.  They remind me why I fight.

I want people out there who are struggling with depression, addiction, mental illness to know that this journey we travel is tough, you’ll have minutes of weakness, moments of misery, days of dejection, there will come times where you feel loss of hope.  I want people who are battling to continue their fight, all we really know is that we have this one life.

Take solace in the tiniest of moments that bring you joy, hold on to those moments tight, remember them in times of despair.  Know that none of you are alone, many of us –  are battling our inner demons.  Don’t be afraid to ask for help? Lean of loved ones.  Find support where ever you can, be that friends, family, support groups, online, complete strangers.  Sometimes all it takes is connecting with someone who understands your journey, it takes connecting with one person who identifies with the devastation and struggle of depression.  Remember that nothing is as bleak as you think!

Alis Volat Propriis

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7 thoughts on “de·pres·sion /diˈpreSHən/

  1. Dear Victoria,
    Thank you for putting a face to the illness. You and I have both battled this demon. It’s annoying when people think we can just brush it off and “get happy”. The first step is acknowledging it and that’s what you have done. Talking about it, writing about it, etc. always helps. You always have me and we’ll get through this together ❤

  2. I’m glad I follow you on facebook. I have a past client who was apparently struggling with anorexia, and nobody knew. I felt and still feel terrible that I never noticed. She was 179 and our goal was to get her to 115. We got her there, then I moved to hawaii. A couple weeks later I got a call from her father that she had bottomed off, stopped eating completely and now her whole body is shutting down, heart problems, liver problems, kidneys, you name it. We’re fighting to get her to come around and get her health back, she’s only 17. Thank you for the inspiration and hope!!

  3. Thank you Samantha – its best friends like you that have helped me get through the tough times! Thank you! Chris thank you for the comment. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help!

  4. Victoria,

    Sweetie, you are always in my thoughts and prayers! You are such an amazing person and I pray that you continue to have the strength to fight these inner demons because this one life you live, inspires and brings life to so many others, including myself! You are never a burden to me and anytime you need me, you know that I’m always here for you! Love and miss you terribly!

  5. In all honesty..i was avoiding reading this blog. it’s hard for me to read about the struggles. I’m not depressed..sure i feel moments of sadness an lonliness and i feel a burden at times..but those feelings are just that..feelings i can control.
    I avoided this cause..i dont know really..it’s just hard..hard to read how crippling depression is on people. It’s not like when i read about your struggles with eating disorders..I always assumed that wasn’t the issue..what scared me most was..like you said…the “Demons” you had to fight..that were hiding. Scares me think how people feel when they feel worthless..it’s sad for me to think of it..so…i avoid it ..cause i dont know how to help 😦 😦 😦

  6. I’m so happy to have found your blog! Thanks for leaving a comment on mine. I can relate to anorexia a little bit, but more so with the depression. I too battled it for over 10 years and I lost a lot of people I used to be close with. I’m so happy you were able to overcome those major struggles and I look forward to reading more of your posts. Have a great night!

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