“I’ve made mistakes in my life.  I’ve let people take advantage of me, & I accepted way less then I deserve.  But, I’ve learned from bad choices & even though there are some things I can never get back and people who will never be sorry.  I’ll know better next time and I wont settle for anything less that I deserve.”

Since I was a child I made bad decisions when it came to foraging new friendships.  I was very quick to trust people, very quick to please.   “Don’t take kindness as a weakness” was true in my case.  Children who were suppose to be my friends used my kindness and in turn took advantage.  I allowed it, because like most I was desperate to fit in and be liked.

Towards the end of elementary school and more so in high school I found the circle of young girls I used to call my friends had excommunicated me, I didn’t some how fit their mold.  Being friends with me – made them unpopular, I no longer fit into their clique.  I spent many nights crying myself to sleep!

It’s sad to admit but this has been a reoccurring theme in my life.  I tend to formulate friendships with people that are not worthy.  People using me for their own beneficial reasons and dumping me once I’m no longer pose any advantage.  Like a parasite living off another organism, growing, feeding, being sheltering while contributing nothing!

It’s hard not to turn these experiences inward and  think that maybe it’s something wrong with me.    Many people have long lasting friendships since elementary, high school & college.  I scratch my head…. am I doing something wrong?

This lack of REAL friendship contributed to my anorexia, I used anorexia as a way to avoid dealing with the loneliness of not having authentic friends, I used it to isolate myself from others so that I would never have to go home and cry about another friend lost.  Anorexia would never betray!

Now older & wiser, I find myself having a difficult time meeting new people, its tough to build new friendships.  I find it a challenge to truly trust people.  I tend to have superficial relationships with people, never really allowing them to know the real me, never letting them in.  “Whats the point they will betray me sooner or later, talk behind my back, secrets that were suppose to be sacred will no longer be.”   Like the saying “fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me”, have I not learned my lesson.  Is it just best to trust & rely solely on myself?

But this road is a lonely one, no one to talk to when you need a sounding board, no one to call when you desperately need advice for small things such as how a date went or more important things like career direction.

“Am I expecting too much?”.  Is it wrong to want have friends who when I’m 80 can look back and laugh at silly antic’s we got up to in our 20’s & 30’s?  Is it wrong to want to have friends to share in my happiness and to lean on in my sadness?

Alis Volat Propriis
xoxo Victoria


2 thoughts on “Friendship

  1. Oh sweetie!!! I read this and it angers me to know that people (I refuse to call them friends of yours because, as it is evident, they are not true friends), but how these people not only took advantage of your kindness, sincerity, loyalty, love and friendship (just to name a very few of your plethora of amazing qualities), but they also didn’t appreciate your gift of friendship!!! There is NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING wrong with you. I can only try and say that it is those others that have something severely wrong in their head. You are nothing short of my best friend. I am proud and honored to be able to call you one of my best friends!!! I wish our paths had crossed when we were even younger, but words cannot express what a true friend you have been to me over the past 6 years and I hope I have been there for you in the same light. You are not expecting too much. You deserve all the best that life has to offer. I thank God each and everyday for my family, friends, and foes, b/c without all of them to thank, I wouldn’t be where I am today. I love you and thank you for your honest friendship – as that is a rare thing to find in this day and age. I can’t wait for us to be older and laugh about the silly things that we fussed over when we were younger 🙂

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