Bullies, cowards at heart.

Standard

“Being bullied by a serial bully is equivalent to being stalked or being battered by a partner or being abused as a child.”

This weekend I came across a movie while I was catching up on twitter and preparing to hit the gym, about a boy that was bullied.

Watching, I couldn’t help but feel the hairs on my arms stand up and the flood of feelings come over me.  Raw, my past wounds seemed fresh as the day they were inflicted.  I wanted to hide, disappear from the world, tarnished with a scarlet letter for everyone to see.  My suffering, my emotional wounds, my scars, like a badge of shame!

Sadness, shame, guilt, degraded, mortified –  at that very moment, watching the movie, I felt like I had in high school.  Fragile & broken, a shell of the vivacious girl I once was, crushed without hope, looking in the mirror everyday asking “Why me?”

I can’t tell you how many times I cried myself to sleep, how I prayed that I wouldn’t have to go to school the next day.  I felt like a defect, flawed, an outsider, blemish on society!

I was betrayed by friends, stabbed in the back.  I was bruised and battered with words that stabbed like a knife & like sheep they followed.  Some did it because they feared if they didn’t, they would become a target, some did because in a  nauseating way it filled a void for their own self hatred making themselves feel superior, some because belittling & pulling someone to pieces was amusing and some did it because they were just evil.  Whatever their reasons , it destroyed me!  My self-confidence, self-esteem, shattered.  Graduation couldn’t come soon enough.  I wanted to be far away from high school and forget any memory that it existed.

I believe that being bullied throughout school contributed to my anorexia, and in general played a giant role in my life.

I felt like a loser, a failure, ugly, fat, unwanted, I lost trust in people, I isolated myself in order to not get hurt, I lost the ability to love myself, I felt unworthy of love.  Worst I lost FAITH in myself.

Anorexia became the best friend that would never betray, that would never leave.  It filled a void!  I isolated from people, my friends.  My life was empty, filled with obsessive & compulsive routines surrounding food and exercise.  To the outside anorexia helped me achieve this delusional idea of perfection.  But what people don’t realize is that anorexia helped me cope, an excuse to isolate myself from the world – the world that hurt me.  Like drugs or alcohol I used anorexia to numb my pain.  I spent years trying to fulfill this illusion of perfection,  but the reality is that I wasn’t really chasing perfection, I was trying to drown and suffocate my pain and degradation.  Starving away my suffering, purging my feelings of shame, trying to stop reliving my disgrace and humiliation.  I was trying to suffocate my heartache.

“God never gives you anything you can handle”

With every struggle in life there is a lesson to be learned, and this is no exception.  Bullying taught me to never judge anyone based on appearance or word of mouth.  You can miss out on meeting great, interesting, intelligent, beautiful people.  I learned not to gossip about others, that words spoken behind closed doors about others is hurtful and harmful.  I learned the meaning of “What you don’t see with your eyes don’t make up with your mouth”.  I learned that the saying “Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt you” is false.  I learned that I am stronger that I thought.  I learned that at the time people in high school & high school in general seem to be your entire world, but once you graduate you realize they are a very small part of your life.  I’ve learned that daily bullying is emotional abuse and causes permanent scars that can’t be seen by the naked eye. I’ve learned that something you do or say to another can affect their lives for a life time, so be cautious, caring and put thought into your actions and words.  I’ve learned that evil can be taught to children.  I’ve learned to let go of anger.  I’ve learned to forgive the people that bullied and belittled me.  I’ve learned that because of these life experiences I’ve become a better person, you can kick me down but eventually I WILL get back up and  I will bigger, better and a stronger person for it.

Alia Volat Propriis

xoxo Victoria

My brother & I when we were Innocent & naive

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10 thoughts on “Bullies, cowards at heart.

  1. Victoria,

    What a thoughtful and emotion filled post. During high school, I always thought you were 100% put together. You had the facade of being cheerful, happy and outgoing. I remember the bullies and I remember how problematic it was for you. I remember watching you battle with anorexia and even went to the hospital with you once.

    But overall, in the end, you are a fighter that has always persevered. This blog is a shining example of that. Speaking your true, inner feelings is always hard to do. I have a separate blog under an alias where I write my *true* feelings and you do it candidly, openly, here. That is an incredible feat in itself.

    Writing is an excellent form of therapy (as I’m learning too) and I’m so proud of you for starting this. I’ve known you for decade(s) (EEK!) now and you’ve always been my biggest inspiration. ❤

    Love,
    Samantha

  2. Victoria, as a friend of yours, I knew we had a lot in common. But I had no idea you were bullied growing up also. Now we are both empowered, strong, strong women…Maybe it’s all a blessing in disguise. Maybe it’s one of those harsh tests that life puts us through to see if we can make it. And we passed…with flying colors – that’s why we can be here for others, that’s why we can relate to the hurt and abused….not everyone can! Thanks for posting proof that with time all heals, and that you can move past life’s difficult tests without resent, without anger, only to be stronger than ever.
    Love you girl, great post.
    S*

  3. aww..you’re truly a good person. i mean..not just cause i completely adore you but because you are so wise. it sucks that it took all those things to make you wise because of the pain you had to go through..but i truly value you and i’m glad you have in your heart the ability to forgive. dont ever forget..just forgive.

    I hope that through our friendship i’m able to take away all the positive life words you have to offer. i’m not perfect and i can’t say i think i’m a good person (not compared to you that is)..so i’m glad i’ve been given the opportunity to learn from you.

    you’re wonderful babe 🙂 MUAH *Hugs & Kisses*

  4. Victoria – you are a very powerful writer! I’m so glad you decided to start a blog that addresses issues like these! Having 2 daughters myself, and having been through an emotional experience as a teen myself, I appreciate your openess to express what the reality is for so many kids – particularly girls. I know that you will continue to inspire greatness to others from your experiences!! Much love to you 🙂

  5. You are stronger than you thought…as well as more beautiful, poised, fantabulous, creative, resourceful, and smart. You are an amazing woman who is anything but a coward!

  6. You continue to be my inspiration and motivation and that constant reminder when I need it most!!! Thank you for sharing your experiences, both good and bad and reminding all of us the power of forgiveness and FAITH. I love you hun and I’m so thankful that 6 years ago our paths crossed!!!

  7. Great first blog Victoria!
    Your voice definitely needs to be heard and can probably help another teen going through similar circumstances.
    Keep it up, you are an inspiration!
    ~beki

  8. Pingback: “Struggle is worth it, because within struggle is purpose and purpose is where your worth is” « Anorexic to Athletic

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