“Quod me nutrit me destruit”

Standard

“What Nourishes me Destroys Me”

Food & exercise are my addiction –  my drugs.  It’s how I control, it’s how I feel in control, It’s what has ruled my life for 10 plus years and it’s what I continue to struggle with.  I use food and exercise like any addict uses drugs and alcohol to numb my pain, to forget, to quieten my negative thoughts.  Food & exercise like drugs are an escape for my depression.  When I feel upset, sad, alone, lost I want to stuff my feelings down with food.  When I feel ugly, fat, worthless I exercise to forget, to feel better. 

How is recovery possible when you must consume the drug which is killing you?

Why do you think that so many people with an eating disorder have such an incredibly hard time recovering?  Why do so many continue to relapse?  We battle our drug every day.  Every meal we face our demons.  We have to indulge our addiction every meal, every snack, every work out.

Unlike drug addicts or alcoholics people who suffer with eating disorders are not able to walk away, remove or extract themselves from triggering situations.  An alcoholic will stop surrounding themselves with people who drink or extricate themselves from social settings where they could “slip up”.  As someone recovering from anorexia I have to find a “healthy” balance with my food and exercise.  People who quit smoking don`t take 2 drags and then discharge the cigarette.  Everyday I have to eat, but only enough for it to be healthy.  Everyday I workout but to the point where is healthy!

So the question I ask myself is “Am I really recovered?”  I eat, drink and look healthy.  On the outside I look like the epitome of a great “come back” story, struggling all these years through anorexia and coming out on top.  But am I really? Or is this all just an illusion, am I just a fraud, even to myself.

I struggle everyday with depression, I’m in constant conflict with myself about food , I battle everyday with body image, self love, self acceptance & self confidence.

So have I recovered or is it that my opinion of what embodies perfection has changed?  Therefore how I eat, how I train, how I live life has adjusted to conform to my ideals.

When I was in the midst of anorexia I wanted to be the thin/emaciated.  I ate nothing, starved, purged whatever I needed to get the body that I considered perfect.  Now that my view on perfection has changed, so has my behavior.  I train and eat to attain what I consider now to be perfect.  But has the addiction really stopped, is the obsession to achieve perfection gone?

If I was being completely honest – has my obsession with perfection gone? NO.  Has my addiction to food faded? NO.  Have I recovered? Somewhat.

And the battle continues.

Alis Volat Propriis

Advertisements

4 thoughts on ““Quod me nutrit me destruit”

  1. I just found your blog and I have to say your honesty is empowering. While I do not suffer from anorexia, I do suffer from food obsessions. I have battled all my life. I stared Nutrisystems 3 years ago and have kept my weight off the best I can. I’ve maintained a 50 pound loss, but do not come close to believing I’m healed of my compulsive eating. I look forward to more posts from you.

  2. Thank you so much for the nice comments =) I think Anorexia is just a form of food, exercise, body obsession! Congrats on your weight loss and determination to maintain it. I think disordered eating is a life long battle!! Glad that you found me!

  3. i love this one! sooo true..that its something you with every meal..every workout…its hard to explain that to people. When I look back, i cant believethe damage i did to myself/ relationships during that time in my life..all to reach some ideal i thought would bring me Love. Have youbever read A Course on Weight Loss by Marianne Williamson. Its a spirtual perspective on compulsive food behaviors…its amazing!

  4. Thank you for this one!!! I know this so well!!!
    I’ve been anorexic for almost 6 years now and I tried to get out of it just the way you described. I tried to create a new picture of what my “perfect body” should look like. I started exercising and I started eating aswell. Otherwise my plan would not work out; I would never become “strong” – what I wish to be since being thin is no longer an option. I’d say I’ve normal weight now, nobody would call me sick from what I look like. Sometimes that’s pretty hard for me to realize that my suffering and my struggle is no longer obvious but fought in private. I have to tell myself that they just don’t know and that they may never be able to understand unless having experienced themselves. I won’t reproach them for this.
    But my behaviour is still obsessive, is a desperate bid to some day just being able to live in peace with and inside my body. It’s no fun. But I’m convinced that life can be. That’s why I continue.
    No, it’s not easier that way – but better. I think the most essential thing is to never forget what you really think is worth fighting for.
    Thanks for your writing, keep your head up, know your mission, you’re able to give strength.
    (sorry for my English)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s