“What Nourishes me Destroys Me”
Food & exercise are my addiction – my drugs. It’s how I control, it’s how I feel in control, It’s what has ruled my life for 10 plus years and it’s what I continue to struggle with. I use food and exercise like any addict uses drugs and alcohol to numb my pain, to forget, to quieten my negative thoughts. Food & exercise like drugs are an escape for my depression. When I feel upset, sad, alone, lost I want to stuff my feelings down with food. When I feel ugly, fat, worthless I exercise to forget, to feel better.
How is recovery possible when you must consume the drug which is killing you?
Why do you think that so many people with an eating disorder have such an incredibly hard time recovering? Why do so many continue to relapse? We battle our drug every day. Every meal we face our demons. We have to indulge our addiction every meal, every snack, every work out.
Unlike drug addicts or alcoholics people who suffer with eating disorders are not able to walk away, remove or extract themselves from triggering situations. An alcoholic will stop surrounding themselves with people who drink or extricate themselves from social settings where they could “slip up”. As someone recovering from anorexia I have to find a “healthy” balance with my food and exercise. People who quit smoking don`t take 2 drags and then discharge the cigarette. Everyday I have to eat, but only enough for it to be healthy. Everyday I workout but to the point where is healthy!
So the question I ask myself is “Am I really recovered?” I eat, drink and look healthy. On the outside I look like the epitome of a great “come back” story, struggling all these years through anorexia and coming out on top. But am I really? Or is this all just an illusion, am I just a fraud, even to myself.
I struggle everyday with depression, I’m in constant conflict with myself about food , I battle everyday with body image, self love, self acceptance & self confidence.
So have I recovered or is it that my opinion of what embodies perfection has changed? Therefore how I eat, how I train, how I live life has adjusted to conform to my ideals.
When I was in the midst of anorexia I wanted to be the thin/emaciated. I ate nothing, starved, purged whatever I needed to get the body that I considered perfect. Now that my view on perfection has changed, so has my behavior. I train and eat to attain what I consider now to be perfect. But has the addiction really stopped, is the obsession to achieve perfection gone?
If I was being completely honest – has my obsession with perfection gone? NO. Has my addiction to food faded? NO. Have I recovered? Somewhat.
And the battle continues.
Alis Volat Propriis