On the outside I look recovered, I no longer weigh a mere 70lbs or sport unhealthy hollowed out cheekbones and protruding collar bone. On the outside I look fit, healthy, recovered. I eat, I drink but most important I LIVE.
I am not ashamed to admit that I still carry that anorexic girl around, like my shadow. A reminder of a life I used to live, of triumphs overcome, of tears, of pain, of suffering. A reminder that any day I can slip, stumble, fall. A reminder of a frail part of myself that often needs nurturing. On the outside I portray a woman of confidence, self assurance, strength, but what I forget is that I also need to reveal the part of me that is fragile & delicate… because without the two contrasts I wouldn’t be the person I am today.
It can be a daily struggle for me to quiet the negative talk & thoughts I say and think to myself. Some days its but a faint whisper, other days its deafening.
I felt it was especially important to blog about this because I want people to realize recovery is not just looking healthy on the outside. Recovery doesn’t equate to eating the right amount of calories, or being a certain weight. Recovery encompasses much more than physical appearance.
Recovery is being healthy on the inside, having a true sense of self, self worth, self love, self confidence. Recovery is having faults but loving them. Recovery is loving every inch of your body no matter what shape or size! Recovery is knowing bad days come, but knowing they wont last forever.
Recovery will be a life long battle for me. I will always be in a war with my own demons. But what I can say is that everyday it gets a little bit better. Everyday I become more self aware. Everyday I learn something new. Everyday I become stronger and the anorexia weaker. Those voices that are telling me I’m fat or I’m not good enough become fainter!
I hope one day to be rid of my unconstructive, self-abusive inner thoughts. If not just for my own quality of life but I want to be a woman that not only portrays a person with self confidence, self assurance, self love & inner strength but actually believes it within.
Alis Volat Propriis