No amount of rest could cure this exhaustion

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Another day off, another day of trying to peel myself out of bed.

I’m exhausted.  My chest is heavy, my brain is foggy.  I could lay in bed all day sleeping, coupled by mindlessly scrolling through social media.

I feel pathetic, why can’t I motivate myself to get up and get things done.

I make the bed and some breakfast, only to be so exhausted that I lay on the couch.  I drag myself out to take the dog for a walk… or is he the one taking me for a walk?

I made plans with friends today in hopes that would motivate me to get out of bed and get going.  Instead I just cancelled.

I’m starting to wonder, is this even the remnants or depression and bipolar?  Honestly I feel for once in my life that is under control.  With the exception of the obvious body dysmorphia.

Is it just the severe exhaustion that has sucked the life out of me that really is the culprit?

I’m tired of going to the doctor to only have her tell me that my blood work is great.  Then WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?  Is this normal? Is everyone this tired? Do I need to just suck it up?

I take all sorts of vitamins and herbs.  I eat quite healthy.  I work out 6 days a week.  I don’t eat meat or fish.  I don’t drink.  I inject my own b12.  I really am at the end of my rope.

I can continue living like this… but do I want to? I lived for years eating nothing and working out for 6 hours a day, I don’t to question my endurance.

I’m tired of being exhausted.  It’s exhausting trying to find answers and be your own cheerleader.

She was drowning but no one saw her Struggle

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prison-n04Life it too short to be at war with yourself everyday.

And yet I am!

I am really struggling.  If I were to be honest, mentally, regarding my outlook towards my body could be back at square one.  I have gone a million steps back.

I can’t turn it off, I can’t just snap out of it.  I don’t know why or what has triggered it.  It has always been there but for now its so loud, its deafening.

Everyday my body constantly reminding me of what a failure I am.  The rolls, the fat, the bloating.  All I see is disgust.

I can’t function, my life is constant mental abuse.  Over and over again.

I’m exhausted.  I don’t believe there is any cure.  I still believe that if my body was the way I wanted that I would be happy.  And I know this is not true yet this is how I feel.

I spend hours at the gym, trying to improve myself, I try and eat clean and diet.  All I feel is exhausted.  It just all seems like  a huge waste of time, because I look and feel disgusting.

I just want to be free of it all.

What a waste of life I am.  Spent a good 10 years starving myself and then recovery only to continue being haunted by this voice.

And yes I will when laying on my death bed, wonder what it was all worth.  I’ll know it wasn’t worth it at all, but that won’t change anything.

I suffer from mental illness, you can’t not see it.  I don’t have a temperature, a cough or runny nose.  But I none the less I am ill.

I fear that only when I am dead will this voice in my head be silenced.

This is torture and I am exhausted.

It’s been a while since I spent time with myself

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Time seems to go so quickly now, work, life, relationships.  My feet hit the floor in the AM and my only rest is when my head hits the pillow at night.

Finally I can say certain aspects of my life truly make me happy and I have found a stillness, a peaceful calm

That being said, the struggle continues with my body, my eating, the negative self talk.  And this energy rages through my skin like volcanic liquid, searing the simple joys of life.

It’s exhausting.  I truly believe that this thinking will never leave me.  I can’t shut it off, I can’t quiet the voice.  I have programmed myself to believe that my body is an example of success or failure.  And when I look in the mirror all I see is failure.  If I can see it, then the rest of the world must see it to.

The belief is so suffocating that I can’t even get a gasp of fresh air to see how I am so much more then flesh and bones.  Even as I write this, all I can hear in my head is “You are nothing, you haven’t accomplished anything, and look your fat, couldn’t even do that properly”

This is my struggle.  The effects bleed out into all aspects of my life.

I am constantly searching to figure out how to find peace with my body, to love it for everything that it does for me.

I would love feedback

Screaming to be Free

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MIssCheauvairIII-MirrorMirrorontheWThe older I get them more exhausting this becomes.

I’m tired of the constant battling within.  I’m tired of constant comparing, tired of the unknown, tired of knowing this will never end, tired of seeing my worth only through the size of my body, tired of seeing my body through my own eyes.  I’m tired of looking in the mirror in disgust and disappointment.  Tired of feeling and seeing every imperfection in my body, tired of believing how I look is what connected to what I amount to in this world.   I’m tired of the struggle.

People tell me its all a mindset, that I just need to shift my thoughts.  I need to be more positive, I need to stop being so insular, stop being inside my head.  Think outside the box, think of others.  Your problems aren’t bad.  I try, I’m trying and I have tried. But the cycle does not end, the thoughts don’t stop coming, my flesh still betrays me.  And so again I feel like a failure.  Its just a mindset right? So I should be able to stop this.  But here I am still struggling,  still consumed.

There is a little girl trapped inside this body screaming to be free yet the chains are locked, n keys to be found.

Everything I could have been. everything I could have done has been tainted and warped by this cancer that grows in my head.

I try to keep it at bay, some days are better then others.  I try and stuff it down, and keep it out of site.  But when I am alone it spills out every where, polluting every thing is touches.

I wonder how long I can keep this up, I wonder how long my body and brain will contain this beast before it implodes.

#thoughtsoftheDay

Suffocating

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Every day I open my eyes in the cloud of depression, anxiety, self loathing, dragging my tired body and exhausted mind out of bed.

Only because that is what “normal” people are suppose to do.

What would people think if I just laid in bed all day sleeping or wrapped in my warped thoughts.

Normal people get up, normal people make and eat breakfast, brush their hair, change out of their pajamas.   Routine right? I’m keeping up with the standard.  If I maintain this level or routine then I am normal RIGHT?

Computer; emails; phone calls;  Skype meetings; gym;  going through the motions.  If I get out of bed, pull up my socks, suck it up.  Everything is ok, I’m keeping up with appearances, I’m functional.

Every day, same thing.  Insanity: doing something over and over again expecting a different result.

I can’t quiet my mind.  The anxiety is crippling. The feeling of dread, the obsessive thoughts, over and over about nothing and everything.  It’s exhausting, I’m exhausted.  The vicious cycle, where is the off button.

I feel like my brain is a science project trapped in my flesh.

I catch myself staring out the window, millions of thoughts rushing through my head but I can’t quiet my brain or slow it down enough to catch up.

I can’t recall the last time I laid my head on my pillow with a quiet and calm mind, nor can I recall a time when I awoke rested and peaceful.

The older I get the harder it becomes.

All this energy, thoughts, anxiety stuffed down, kept inside, all this craziness, thinking, reflecting, ruminating, scrutiny, reasoning.  It weights me down like a heavy anchor suffocating me in a sea of my own demise.

You’re just so full of yourself! Body Dysmorphia & Body Checking!

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The other day someone that I care about said to me

“You know for someone who has body issues and always feels FAT you seem to have no problem showing your body off”

IMG_20140501_201229Initially I was FURIOUS! Good thing I was heading to yoga to get my ZEN on! Yoga always gives me time to reflect! Because what else are you suppose to do for 90 mins besides think and pray that you don’t combust! (Bikrams hot yoga).

It’s hard not to feel insulted by statements like that, because its so far from the truth, but I have come to realise that it’s just plain ignorance. I can’t expect people who have never experienced anorexia, eating disorders, body dysmorphia to understand. People have a hard time identifying with mental illness as is, especially if they have never had it or lived with someone afflicted by it!

I am recovered and no longer live in the chains of anorexia! But I still struggle with internal demons.  One of them happens to be body dysmorphia and body checking is a by product of it.

So What is body dysmorphia?

Individuals afflicted by BDD are concerned with body image, manifested as excessive concern about & preoccupation with a perceived defect of their physical appearance. An individual with BDD has perpetual negative thoughts about their appearance.

Symptoms can include

  • camouflaging (with body position, clothing, makeup, hair, hats, etc.)
  • comparing body part to others’ appearance
  • seeking surgery
  • checking in a mirror or avoiding mirrors
  • skin picking
  • excessive grooming
  • excessive exercise
  • changing clothes excessively
  • Avoidance of social situations
  • Feeling the need to stay housebound
  • The need to seek reassurance about your appearance from others

What is Body checking?

Body checking refers to an obsessive thought and behavior about appearance.  These checks and/or questions occur repetitively, in some cases hundreds of times per day.  The person will often experience a momentary reassurance, only to be followed by increased levels of anxiety about their appearance.

Behaviors that may be considered body checking include:

  • looking in the mirror,
  • weighing oneself,
  • pinching oneself around the waist, or wrapping a hand around a wrist or other body part.
  • Sometimes sufferers will also ask friends or family members questions about their weight and/or appearance such as “Do I look fat?” or “Do I look like I’ve gained weight?”

For me body checking includes a lot of mirror checks, posing in different angles to see if I look fatter.  Taking pictures – becaue camera’s don’t lie and comparing them with previous pictures!  The more I look at myself, the more I look at the pictures, the more I analyze, the fatter I become, the more grotesque, the more flaws I can see, the worse it gets!

I  say “I am fat” without even really acknowledging that I am saying it! And honestly when people tell me I am not, the reassurance is so fleeting, because what are they really suppose to say – Yes you are!

Often the “feeling of fat” or “I am fat” statements have nothing to do with fat at all.  As my coach will say the only fat that needs draining is from my head.  I am “feeling fat” because somewhere else in my life I feel out of control, it could be work, relationships, friends, life etc!

Somewhere along my journey in my life I learned that when everything is out of control if I can control my BODY then all is right in the world!  I learned to disassociate and numb myself by obsessing about my body, exercise, controlling the food that I put in it and that somehow when that its all aligned perfectly then everything is will be perfect and everything will be alright!

Sadly though I have been down that path.  And even when I weighed 80lbs, exercised 6 hours a day and ate practically nothing,  even on the days that I did everything right nothing was flawless or perfect.  In fact everything was chaotic and out of control!

And through recovery and growth I have learned that what really matters at the end of the day is what I see in the mirror looking back at me, am I proud of that person?   What matters is do I love myself? What matters is am I happy? What matters is the people in my life that I love!

When looks fade and skin sags and things drop (because they will) I need to be able to look at my life with love and without regret!  Because as cliche as it sounds what is on the outside is so superficial, and does not bring you happiness!  It is your experiences in life and the people in it that bring you happiness! It’s peace and joy that you find within yourself!

If you look around at the people in your life you love – you don’t love them because they look a certain way its because of the people they are inside!  Shouldn’t we look at ourselves with those eyes?

What the question  forced me to do is to is dig deep inside myself again!  I still need to find peace within, I need to do more work , more growth within myself.

I can’t just use the excuse I have body dysmorphia for staying stagnant!  I am the only one that can change myself and evolve!   Only I can be my own hero!

“Fear is a trick being played on you … don’t fall for it!”

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“It’s My Trip, My Adventure, My Path”

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Comparing, scrutinizing, imagining the grass is greener on the other side.  We all do it!

Getting caught up in the feverish over analyzing of what we should be!  What the world is telling us, what our parents expect, what the people around us are doing!

But if we stopped for a moment, we’d realise that this life is our own.  No journey is the same! We are all foraging our path! How boring if we were all the same!

Life is about struggle, battle wounds, scars!  It’s what builds character, makes us strong!

We can’t get stuck on who society tells us we should be, often its just empty words on a page or hollow chit chat from depthless mouths.

We live in a world where we spend more time, creating a facade of a perfect life rather than taking the steps to construct our version of a “perfect” life.

Stop emulating others for approval, stop berating yourself because society has somehow bullied you into thinking that you’re path isn’t of merit.

Instead be kind to yourself, look to yourself with compassion and love.  Drown out the outside noise!  Forage a path that makes YOU happy!  Surround yourself with people that love you and nourish your soul!

Do something that drives your passion that makes you want to get up in the morning and that makes you smile when your head hits the pillow!

Will it be easy?  Nothing is!  But the struggle, sweat, tears are worth much more when you are following your passion rather than drowning doing something you hate!!

Don’t worry what others are doing! Don’t worry what society is telling you to be! Instead follow your heart, head and intuition!

We only have this one life!  Don’t waste it trying to fit into a mold that you were not meant to!

If you are interesting in Contact Victoria for Coaching or Speaking Events please email anorexictoathletic@gmail.com

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